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train to nowhere (a poem for my therapist)

Posted by HiddenPoet , 20 December 2011 · 55 views

Train to nowhere

You put me on a train to nowhere.
There you are standing steady on the platform
Sending me off, a packet of supplies, cut lunch in hand,
a piece of paper telling me when to come back.
But all I have to carry them in is a too-cold eski
already jammed up with a little girl's sundresses.
You fill the disappearing time
Waiting with a patient thoughtfulness
And smile warmly at the sunshine, and at me,
Even though I have been angry
At your leaving me.

You wait for your train
heading in the opposite direction,
In anticipation of a Christmas filled
With family and friends kissing hello, familiar laughter,
Warm I love you's, and a comforting home.
And you look forward to a summer break beyond that,
Where you go cycling up and down mountains
Challenging your strength and stamina,
Enjoying the fruits of the labor
Of your own lengthy journey.

You put me on a train to nowhere.
Here I am waiting in an unstable, frosty carriage
Watching you sending me off.
I know I won't open your bags, eat your lunch
- once they are gone you are gone.
I want to save something of you,
A keepsake to remind me that you exist,
And are smiling somewhere.

It has been so painful to tell you of my agony.
I don't want to drag the sun down,
Or plunge the world into a dark fog
Filled with the groping hands of waking nightmares,
Or the icy faces of family, always turned away.
I don't want to dampen you
With my aloneness that echos
In the dark tunnels under fields of sunflowers
smiling at people other than me.

I want to spare you from myself.
But you encourage me to speak, to stay open.
So I listen to your warm voice,
Soothing me like a mother's milk.
I tell you that I carry with me a container of sorrow
Which will sit beside me raining, drenching,
Staining my soul, bleeding over my darkness
wherever I go.
But I will try to hold onto the sound
of your milky voice.
I will allow it to find me and comfort me,
To settle the broken up bits of me
shaking inside my brittle skin,
And to remind me that you and I
Will meet back here again one far away day.

March 2015

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