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Donna Mae DePola - Guest Speaker Chat ...May 25th 2013 ... for more information please read this!
There is still plenty of time and spaces if you'd like to sign up for the Guest Speaker Chat scheduled for this Saturday!
There is still plenty of time and spaces if you'd like to sign up for the Guest Speaker Chat scheduled for this Saturday!
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So, I had a really hard therapy session today. I talked about degrading sexual experiences i allowed myself to have when i was 18-21, where I allowed myself to be used as a sexual object by guys. I just zoned out while they penetrated me, and sometimes I cried but I said I was ok so they could continue until done. I talked some more about my memories of CSA with my father, who is now in hospital with multiple ailments. My father was the only one in my family who was affectionate towards me. The abuse was much less severe or extreme than some survivors have unfortunately experienced. When he touched me he did so lovingly, and as I loved him and was desperate for love, I allowed him to touch me and to touch him without knowing it was even wrong. But my skin also felt like it was crawling and there was a knot in my stomach.
My mother is a cold, distant woman with not affection or love. I think she turned a blind eye as she didn't want to have sex with him, I felt that she offered me up to him, to be his partner. In the past few weeks I have remembered my mother behaving strangely when I was young. I am struggling to define it as abuse because I can't believe that a mother would abuse a child. She used to get me to wash her genitals in the shower and bath. She would play this seductive game while lying in the bath where I was have to drape flannels on her breast and then they wod mysteriously fall off again, and I woud been to cover them again. She used to get me to rub cream into her breasts. She used to put her finger slightly into me with soap in order to clean me, and it really stung. She seemed to be dissociated, now I think about it. I think she was abuse by her father, because he used to wash my with soap in the same way when I was really little, so I guess she learned it from him.
I am feeling a lot of pain about Christmas. My Mum has cut me out of the family and I am not invited to Christmas - this is another story for another post - which has to do with me trying to protect my daughter from the lecherous behaviour of her 2nd husband.
In my therapy session I curled up in a ball while I cried and tried to talk about these memories. I feel fragile now, shaky, surreal. Sometimes I can't recognise the voice that comes out of me when I talk about these memories. My T said she thinks that's because these parts of me have not had any expression before.
Going to try not to self destruct tonight. Thanks for listening.
My mother is a cold, distant woman with not affection or love. I think she turned a blind eye as she didn't want to have sex with him, I felt that she offered me up to him, to be his partner. In the past few weeks I have remembered my mother behaving strangely when I was young. I am struggling to define it as abuse because I can't believe that a mother would abuse a child. She used to get me to wash her genitals in the shower and bath. She would play this seductive game while lying in the bath where I was have to drape flannels on her breast and then they wod mysteriously fall off again, and I woud been to cover them again. She used to get me to rub cream into her breasts. She used to put her finger slightly into me with soap in order to clean me, and it really stung. She seemed to be dissociated, now I think about it. I think she was abuse by her father, because he used to wash my with soap in the same way when I was really little, so I guess she learned it from him.
I am feeling a lot of pain about Christmas. My Mum has cut me out of the family and I am not invited to Christmas - this is another story for another post - which has to do with me trying to protect my daughter from the lecherous behaviour of her 2nd husband.
In my therapy session I curled up in a ball while I cried and tried to talk about these memories. I feel fragile now, shaky, surreal. Sometimes I can't recognise the voice that comes out of me when I talk about these memories. My T said she thinks that's because these parts of me have not had any expression before.
Going to try not to self destruct tonight. Thanks for listening.
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