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HiddenPoet's Blog


Georgia Iris (a poem for my stillborn baby)

Posted by HiddenPoet , 29 January 2012 · 178 views


Georgia Iris.
My first child,
My little one,
My love.
I haven't been able to write
a single word for you
Until now.

On this day, your anniversary,
There was no push into life for you;
No cries,
No mothers milk.
They gave me a pill to dry me up,
To erase my maternal feeling.
They could not evaporate the mother in me.
I cried for you eternal...


Mother = Alone

Posted by HiddenPoet , 29 January 2012 · 78 views


I am sitting by the back window
Watching a moth circling the light,
Like my thoughts circling an awareness
Of a painful truth,
Not yet known.

I saw my mother today
Her cheek offered for an air kiss,
cold, empty, no contact made.
The Christmas I am not invited to
Was never spoken of.
Presents for my children,
Given from the fairy godmother she...


Mirroring rain

Posted by HiddenPoet , 29 January 2012 · 63 views

Amazing, incredible, beautiful
unapologetic wailing
from the darkening skies above.
It mirrors me.
My insides and my outsides
finally matched;
the whole world is weeping and purging,
opening up and letting go.
Like an attuned mother (I didn't have)
mirroring the baby (I didn't get to be);
the weather is...



Posted by HiddenPoet , 29 January 2012 · 86 views


It circles me endlessly,
Threatening to land
On the fertile precipice
Of my tenuous existence.
I cringe, awaiting its arrival,
Knowing the devastation it will cause;
The disintegration of my mind
Once intact.

No one can know this pain,
Except other sufferers of unspeakable truths.
We belong together.
We seek each other out.
We understand...



Posted by HiddenPoet , 28 January 2012 · 65 views

I am falling into pain.
A whirlpool
of suffocating fears
sucks me into its centre,
whipping me around
its spiralling vortex;
disorienting me.
I circle down -
out of control.
I fall into the chasm
of unchartered murky depths
from where there is no return.
I come to rest
by the poisonous weeds
lurching out at me
from the...


Five weeks plus

Posted by HiddenPoet , 25 January 2012 · 59 views

It is now more than five weeks since my last session. I am really struggling today. I have this cutting feeling inside, like 1000 knives are slicing into me. My insides are bleeding the sticky black blood of intensifying pain. All of my organs, my, skin, my mind is trembling. I am an internal mess of bleeding feelings and shaking thoughts. I need so...


Behind the mask

Posted by HiddenPoet , 24 January 2012 · 85 views

There isn't any me anymore.
Maybe there never was.
I have lived a kind of half life
with a half me,
and a series of masks
to obscure my world of pain
from the view of others.
I watch people living, loving,
I watch from behind a wall
of impenetrable glass.
No one can see me,
they talk to my mask.
The mask nods and smiles
and looks real, invol...


The drain dweller in my psyche

Posted by HiddenPoet , 20 January 2012 · 77 views

Beyond pain
is the eerie pit of nothingness
where all is destitute
and life has been obliterated.
Parts of me
crawl along the putrid floor
of a place once sprouting with life
and possibilities,
now gone,
No fire of passion
or anger,
no tears of slowly falling sadness.
No warmth from love,

I am banished
to the eternal darkness...



Posted by HiddenPoet , 19 January 2012 · 67 views

My partner (of 11 years and we have 2 children together) got upset with me this morning. She said that I have been in therapy for the whole time she has known me (which is true). And she has supported me though this therapy (three different therapist in this time), and we have used a lot of funds on my therapy. She is happy for me to have the therapy, but...


More therapy break angst

Posted by HiddenPoet , 18 January 2012 · 63 views

I am sick of me. It's been four weeks now since my last session. Four weeks into a six week break. Four long weeks of having to listen to my own worries, anxieties, longings, painful feelings, and not have an outside perspective on them. I feel like I have finally sent myself over the edge, into the meltdown zone.
I am feeling really down today. The r...

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