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Update .. It's been a while!

Posted by effystardust , 05 April 2012 · 18 views

I haven't been on Pandy's for a couple of months due to my laptop being broken and me being such a bum that i've just been spending little money i get on alcohol and drugs so couldn't afford to get it fixed!

In the time i have been away from Pandy's i have found out the case is going to court -- Soo scared!! I don't know if i can handle giving evidence?! I just wish he would admit what he has done, im not gullible though i know the chances of that happening are like 0.000000000000000001%

My sister had a baby at the end of Januray so i went up country to see them and the 'mother' had to try to make things difficult didn't she! Trying to get it into my sisters head that i didn't want to see her and the baby which was a load of bullsh*t, i only went up to see them! All i wanted was to have a nice relaxed few hours with my sister and neice without the stupid cow present, but she had to play mind games and i just couldn't believe she was acting like this my poor sister having her head messed with when emotions were already high after giving birth. I ended up getting my wish and it was lovely until 'she' walked in but i didn't let her get to me too much i just left. I ended up staying up north for 3 weeks and got hammered everyday/night. Once i got home the drinking got worse and i found myself getting into more and more debt.

Things at home started getting worse and whenever i was at home i just locked myself in my room which did my head in so started spending more and more time at the pub! I may as well pitched a tent there!

I am currently still abusing alcohol and drugs but have accepted the fact that maybe i need help with these issues as well as everything else to do with me .. im just one big f*ck up!! So i am now in working with Addaction. I just don't know how much help it's actually going to be as i dont want to stop drinking and that, i dont want to be abstinent .. i enjoy getting hammered, it's the only time my head stops ticking. The thing is i am worried that i drink so much i have no idea what happened in the morning .. waking up with cuts and bruises everywhere just isn't cool - it just makes me feel like im turning into mum and for as long as i can remember thats the one thing i have tried to prevent from happening! I have started going to group therapy (only been twice so far) and i find it so scarey. At first when im sitting there i think i shouldnt be there im not at the same level as these people but the longer i sit there the more i realise i have it in me.. they say things that go through my mind and i think if i don't try get help now then it wont be much longer until i am in the same state as these others.

One thing that is really troubling me is that my ex step dad (who i have had contact with despite him and mother splitting up 7 years ago) has been ever so distant since he found out about the incident in September .. i dont get it is he ashamed of me? He didn't even remember my birthday in march and that has never happened before he is normally the one who comes up trumps .. i dont know, i just feel let down .. he was one of the very few men that gave me hope that all men aren't the same! And now i feel that he either can't be arsed with the sh*t that comes with me or he is just a nob or is it that he blames me? Argghhh!!

November 2015

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