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Slipping again ...

13 September 2012
Posted by effystardust  
I haven't wrote for a while as things have been getting better, well there's been ups and downs but the downs havent been as bad as at the beginning of the year. But recently i have felt myself slippin back into feeling shitty about myself which in time drives me back to drinking more .. i had managed to cut down to 5 pints a day for a...
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Posted by effystardust  
Right well iv tried writing a few times in the past few days but not managed it as i have been in such a state! Its just one thing after another!!

I've been having trouble with my benefits - I should be getting £53 p/w and now they are taking £17 p/w off that as well as big chunks out my housing allowance .. This has caused me to...
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So alone!

27 April 2012
Posted by effystardust  
I just can't deal with stuff today - dont want to be here - just want to crawl under a rock and never be seen again!

I can't stop crying whats the friggin point in it all??

Just wanna get hammered - just wanna dissappear - just want the pain to stop - just need something more than this!

Im so alone right now!!!!

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Posted by effystardust  
I'm not feeling that great today, i didn't sleep last night might have had 20 mins altogether. It was all down to me though - i ended up getting rather wasted drinking and taking speed after not eating for 2 days .. I knew it was going to happen so i ended up giving in very willingly! Im such an idiot i had kept my day fulfilled with...
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Sick of myself!

13 April 2012
Posted by effystardust  
So i keep feeling angry and frustrated recently and im not sure why really! i think it's when i haven't had a drink or smoke because i have been hammering it recently well the past few months ha! But im also angry at myself for losing control of a few things recently!

Last week i started meetig up with M and i am enjoying...
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Posted by effystardust  
I haven't been on Pandy's for a couple of months due to my laptop being broken and me being such a bum that i've just been spending little money i get on alcohol and drugs so couldn't afford to get it fixed!

In the time i have been away from Pandy's i have found out the case is going to court -- Soo scared!! I...
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Posted by effystardust  
I have just been reading through some blogs on here and i found myself remembering this time when i was young and there was a party going on at J my god mums house and lots of people drinking. J's sons were there; one of which used me when i was 8 JJ and the other who i admired T -- T was older he used to stick up for me, treat me like an...
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Posted by effystardust  
Well thats it i have finally decided i am not taking my meds, whats the point really? i have always managed to pull myself up on my own without pumping god no's what into my body so why should i start now? Ill stick with my own coping mechanisms thanks! At least i feel the effects of them straight away! Ok i know people dont agree with...
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Home alone!

02 January 2012
Posted by effystardust  
Every time i have been on Pandy's recently i have really wanted to write something but just ended up staring at a blank screen!! I am high right now and feel i am in a place to write!

Christmas was interesting and nerve racking at the same time, they all made me feel comfortable (my friend E's family) and i did enjoy myself...
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Bad News!

19 December 2011
Posted by effystardust  
The past week has been pretty strange, some ups and some real downs! We found out my friend has cancer and its stage 3 .. not good! I just broke down into tears when i found out it wasn't good news! I just cant see good in this world we live in! She is the most loveliest person i know and all she does is care and help others .....
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Posted by effystardust  
The past few days have been really really hard! On Thursday i ended up getting signed off work sick and when i got home got into a bit of a state... well i say a bit i mean a lot! I ended up taking a load of tablets i just couldn't take it anymore! I briefly remember my friend being there and then the next thing is the morning .....
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All in all S**T day!

22 November 2011
Posted by effystardust  
I had a session today with J, i was so nervous i nearly cancelled but then i was offered a lift to make sure i went in so i did. I was amazed how much i opened up and told her, but now on reflection i feel the stuff i told her was pointless and i should stop feeling sorry for myself .. i mean i havent spoke to my mum for over 2 years now i should...
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Hope

17 November 2011
Posted by effystardust  
The past few days i have been feeling a lot more positive than previously, it's kind of strange this is the firt time i have felt a smile from deep within, and excited so much i physically shake.. (That hasn't happened for long while now) Me and my ex have had a massive talk and i think now he understands me better, the thing is we broke...
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Posted by effystardust  
My head hurts so much from all the spinning it has been doing the past few days, i just want it to stop! I have a friend that came and stayed at my house the other week, he was drunk and just got a taxi here at gone midnight, i couldn't turn him away he needed me and i didn't mind that he came im glad he feels he can come to me. But...
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Posted by effystardust  
I am normally good with my money (or should i say lack of) but since it happened i am just spending money that i don't have and getting more and more into debt as the days go by, i just keep thinking f*ck it put it on the card! I know i need a job, especially with christmas around the corner but i can't find the motivation or...
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Posted by effystardust  
Well the past few days have been horrible, im so sick of feeling like this! I don't actually know how much longer i can handle having all these thoughts of anger and disgustment at my self, i wish i could just take away all the pain inside me! Not only is it mentally but i feel it taking a tole on my physical health, i feel so drained...
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