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Today has not been a good day.
I insisted on my husband coming home from work in order to be with me because I was scared to be in my apartment alone.
Why?
My home was broken into about 2 months ago and I was sexually assaulted and almost raped. Thank Heavens I was not, but my intruder took more from me that night than I ever thought possible. He took my sense of security, my peace of mind. Before, I have never had any problems sleeping alone. My husband has worked the night shift for the past 3 years we have been together and I have always been alone. Now. I can't stand it. I think the thing that bothers me the most is that I never feel safe. I have a 61 pound guard dog who sleeps on the bed with me and barks at every little thing, but I still don't feel safe! I have no control over my emotions and it makes me so upset! I am so depressed. I am confused, hurt, vulnerable, weak and just all around mad.
I feel like I don't even know who I am anymore. I feel so bad for my husband because we were only married for about a month before this happened and I feel like I am not the same person he married. I am so screwed up inside. I feel lost. Whenever I go to the store, I feel like I have to look as disgusting as possible so no one would even look at me twice and think things about me.
I have contemplated everything....to drinking, using drugs, cutting myself. Anything to take my pain away. Some days, the pain is so unbearable. But I also made my husband a promise a long time ago, I would NEVER do something like that. And I don't need to bring any more tension to our relationship.
All in all. I feel dirty. I fee disgusting. And I don't know what to do. :bawling:/>
I insisted on my husband coming home from work in order to be with me because I was scared to be in my apartment alone.
Why?
My home was broken into about 2 months ago and I was sexually assaulted and almost raped. Thank Heavens I was not, but my intruder took more from me that night than I ever thought possible. He took my sense of security, my peace of mind. Before, I have never had any problems sleeping alone. My husband has worked the night shift for the past 3 years we have been together and I have always been alone. Now. I can't stand it. I think the thing that bothers me the most is that I never feel safe. I have a 61 pound guard dog who sleeps on the bed with me and barks at every little thing, but I still don't feel safe! I have no control over my emotions and it makes me so upset! I am so depressed. I am confused, hurt, vulnerable, weak and just all around mad.
I feel like I don't even know who I am anymore. I feel so bad for my husband because we were only married for about a month before this happened and I feel like I am not the same person he married. I am so screwed up inside. I feel lost. Whenever I go to the store, I feel like I have to look as disgusting as possible so no one would even look at me twice and think things about me.
I have contemplated everything....to drinking, using drugs, cutting myself. Anything to take my pain away. Some days, the pain is so unbearable. But I also made my husband a promise a long time ago, I would NEVER do something like that. And I don't need to bring any more tension to our relationship.
All in all. I feel dirty. I fee disgusting. And I don't know what to do. :bawling:/>
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2 Comments On This Entry
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i'm sure your husband understands what happend,,if you've
told him....and i know that you're not an disgusting person.
and you shouldn't have to look disgusting so people won't
look at you...i know that must make you feel bad already,
and then to know that people think things about you
that's not good...
i'm sorry that happend to you hunny,,but i'm always here for
you to talk to 24/7
although i'll be at work/school most of the day/night i'll
write back when i can
much love and warm hugs sent your way