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Panic attacks

18 December 2011
Posted by Irishleo  
The last two days have been really tough. I've been having panic attacks every time the flashbacks start up. This Christmas is going to be the first time I have seen my abuser (the main one anyway) since I remembered everything that happened, and the stess and anxiety has been getting to me. I got so stressed out that I began having chest...
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Small flashback

05 December 2011
Posted by Irishleo  
Last night I had another flashback. Well, I'm not exactly sure if it counts as another one, but it's a more detailed version of a flashback I've had previously. I am not positive if I am mixing up two seperate memories or if they're from the same day, but I'm pretty sure it's the same memory. The new part I have remembered...
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Posted by Irishleo  
Tonight I am just overwhelmed. This has been one of the most painful years of my life. Everything just seems to be falling apart, and nothing I do seems to stop it. In the span of a year my beloved grandmother passed away, my best friend of over 20 years decided she no longer wants to be in my life, claiming its because she is fed up with my...
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Posted by Irishleo  
Lately since the flashbacks have become more detailed, I have been feeling a strange blend of extreme emotion but yet a sense of dissociation at the same time. When I think about the terrible things that he did to me as a child, my heart becomes filled with sadness thinking about the little girl, even though she was me. I want to hold her in my...
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Sick to my stomach

15 November 2011
Posted by Irishleo  
It's strange how people are not always what they appear to be. If anyone looked at the man that raped me, they might think him an average person. In the small town I'm from he was a local firefighter. An honorable profession certainly. But there is no honor in that man. He simply wears the mantle and fools people like a wolf in sheep's...
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Posted by Irishleo  
Tears are sliding down my cheeks as I type, and I feel sadder tonight than I have in awhile.It seems that no matter how hard I try, I can't escape him. It doesn't matter what I'm doing, at any random moment that monster can penetrate my mind and attack me all over again. Only now it's far worse because it isn't only my body...
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Tags: sad, irony, broken, flashbacks

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Need Advice

11 October 2011
Posted by Irishleo  
Another flashback last night. I was five years old, and desperately trying to sneak into my parents bed so that I could be safe from my uncle. But as always, my dad became angry when he woke up and saw me snuggled in my mom's arms and dragged me out of the room across the house to my own bedroom. I cried and begged him, but was too scared to...
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Memories

30 September 2011
Posted by Irishleo  
As I've mentioned in earlier writings, when I was fifteen years old I was raped by an acquaintance. The were other men that abused me in my life, and like them he too got away with it. The difference with him though, was that I wasn't a small child, but a teenager when it happened. Unfortunately though, the end result was still the same...
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Make us stronger?

30 September 2011
Posted by Irishleo  
They say that adversity gives us the opportunity to grow, and that what doesn't kill us makes us stronger. But does it really? When I look back at the abuse I went through, and the long term damage it has done to my life in so many areas, I don't feel it has made me stronger. It has made me weaker. I still carry on, as we all do, but I...
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Tags: stronger, doubtful

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When it rains it pours

26 September 2011
Posted by Irishleo  
Having such a bad day. It's so hard to be optimistic when everything seems to go wrong at once. Took my daughter to school today, always stressful for me because I have fears she will be molested if she's out of my sight. (another residue from my own childhood molestation) I am overprotective of my child anyway, but last year on her first...
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Tags: stressed, paranoia

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