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Irishleo's Blog


My latest meeting with my abuser

Posted by Irishleo , 25 December 2013 · 275 views

So... tonight was another Christmas dinner with my family, which of course included my uncle. I've decided that I'm never going to attend another family gathering again. I just can't go with him there. Tonight was worse than any other time, because now he has shifted the way he treats me, and it's freaking me out. I tried to force myself to be civil, but...


I've remembered a new detail of the abuse- trigger warning

Posted by Irishleo , 05 December 2013 · 165 views

I've remembered another small piece of the puzzle this week. I was watching tv and an old movie came on from my childhood. As I sat watching it I suddenly had a flashback from my childhood that I'd long forgotten about. My sister and I were at the movie theater. That was an unusual occurrence on it's own, since it was very rare we got...


What's the point... slight trigger warning

Posted by Irishleo , 01 October 2013 · 233 views

Someone asked me the other day if I had any regrets in my life. In the past my response would have been no that I didn't. But at this stage of my life, I am riddled with regrets. I have so many... I've really fucked up my life, and some mistakes you just can't fix.

I've been having such dark and hopeless thoughts lately, and I can't s...


Most recent encounter with my abuser

Posted by Irishleo , 12 August 2013 · 161 views

I can't sleep tonight, every time I close my eyes I see him.

I saw him again a few weeks ago. There was a birthday party for my grandfather, and everyone was expected to go. When I arrived I was so relieved to see that my uncle wasn't there. I was able to relax and actually start to enjoy myself. But about an hour into the evening I saw him outs...


tired of betrayal

Posted by Irishleo , 28 June 2013 · 113 views

I'm feeling pretty low tonight. I've been hit with yet another betrayal, this time by my sister. And while that is a common enough thing coming from her, it still stings each time. I'm not trying to sit here and pretend I'm perfect or that I've never made mistakes, but I can truly say that I am ALWAYS there for people when they need me...


enraged and humiliated

Posted by Irishleo , 30 May 2013 · 197 views

First of all, I apologize in advance for profanity in this entry. I am so fucking mad I feel like I'm going to explode. To make a long story short, my mom is doing some dealings with an attorney whose only employee is my arch enemy. This girl has always hated me with a passion, because 15 years we both dated the same guy (at different times but she ha...



Posted by Irishleo , 24 May 2013 · 183 views

Over the last few months it's become clearer to me that I just CAN'T hold this secret within anymore. What he did to me has been trapped inside for so long, for so many years. It's been eating away at me, tearing at the fabric of my soul. But I still haven't made up my mind about going to the police or not. WHY is it a difficult decision?...


Dreaming of freedom

Posted by Irishleo , 02 May 2013 · 179 views

I feel tormented, as if I will never be free of him. How do I release the little girl trapped inside of me from what he did? Am I crazy to fantasize about the adult me being able to burst into my childhood bedroom and attack him before he can hurt the child I was? Such pointless thoughts, and yet I have them often. I never imagine anyone else rescuing me...


Conflicted by flashbacks

Posted by Irishleo , 29 April 2013 · 151 views

The flashbacks have started again. Since I'm taking law classes, the topic of child molestation and sexual abuse comes up from time and time, and a few days ago another student got me really upset. The class had been talking about rehabilitation of sexual predators, and I said that I don't believe they can be rehabilitated. One girl in the class g...


I feel like I'm going under

Posted by Irishleo , 22 April 2013 · 197 views

The past few weeks have so difficult, and for so many reasons. I feel like everything is crashing down around me, and I'm struggling so hard to keep it all together. There is so much pressure on me to do so many things, and I have no one to help me. The sad thing is, is that I've been doing "everything right," as they say. I've put my...

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