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Irishleo's Blog



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I can't bear it

Posted by Irishleo , 06 August 2014 · 159 views

I have only three days left until he leaves. Once he goes, he is lost to me forever. We filed the divorce papers with the court today, in only a few months our life together will be over. Thousands of miles will separate us, and there is little I can do about it.
 
I cried so much today, and all I wanted was for him to hold me. But he didn't and I ca...


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screaming in despair (possible trigger warning)

Posted by Irishleo , 05 August 2014 · 170 views

We had another divorce attorney appointment today. We've finished mediation and begun the process of official filing. My heart is screaming in agony, surely I can't live with this much pain inside? My soul is being torn apart, I don't want any of this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I feel like I'm trapped in a hell of my own making, and now I can't get out. I kee...


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When love dies

Posted by Irishleo , 01 August 2014 · 177 views

My soon to be ex husband is in town for the first time in a year, and so far it's been terrible. He's come now so that we can begin the divorce, and to visit our daughter. I'd hoped we could be friendly, at least for our daughter's sake but so far that isn't really happening. He is coldly civil, but his dislike of me is so obvious that even our daughter n...


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Fate or free will?

Posted by Irishleo , 17 July 2014 · 189 views

Is falling in love an act of fate or free will? When I fell in love with my husband it wasn't love at first sight.I found him handsome and we had chemistry, but love didn't happen instantly. I'd been hurt so many times in the past, and it took me awhile before I could trust him. But he won me over with his charming personality. I'd finally found the man o...


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Despair

Posted by Irishleo , 10 July 2014 · 143 views

I'm in the worst depression of my life. It's like everything requires too much effort. I can't eat, I can't sleep. I've had insomnia for weeks now, and it's really making me feel like I'm walking around in a fog. Even the act of breathing seems like too much exertion. I don't want to shower, or brush my hair. I can't even make myself put on any makeup. I...


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Wash me away

Posted by Irishleo , 08 July 2014 · 146 views

I can't deal with my divorce, it's tearing me apart. I'm the only person I know of that is getting a divorce when both people are still in love with the other one. How do I let go of my soul mate and the other half of my soul? Why can't I just sacrifice what needs to be sacrificed in order to be with him? I hate myself so much for my indecisiveness and th...


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My mother still refuses to believe me

Posted by Irishleo , 15 June 2014 · 166 views

I had an unpleasant conversation with my mother today about my abuser. One of my sisters wanted to take my 7 year old daughter over to my paternal grandfather's house but I wouldn't let her (I knew my abuser would be there, as he is my uncle). This led to yet another argument between my mom, oldest sister, and I. They both refuse to believe that me and my...


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Disappointed

Posted by Irishleo , 12 May 2014 · 136 views

Yesterday I met up with one of my oldest friends. It should have been fun, but instead it was awful. All I wanted was to spend mother's day with my mother and daughter, but my friend recently had a falling out with her own mother and was alone so when she asked me if we could spend some time together on mother's day I felt like it was the right thing to d...


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Small details coming back to me... (minor trigger warning)

Posted by Irishleo , 10 March 2014 · 141 views

I was laying in bed just now trying to sleep when a random memory came back to me. At the time I was 9 years old, and the abuse had been going on for about four years already. I remembered making the decision to never go to the bathroom again. By nighttime though I wet the bed in my sleep, and I realized I couldn't hold that in forever. But I felt that I...


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How am I supposed to heal?

Posted by Irishleo , 21 January 2014 · 246 views

I just don't understand how a person is supposed to heal and move on. How am I supposed to be "normal" when at any random moment I get flashbacks of being abused and tortured? The physical, mental, and emotional abuse he inflicted on me has screwed me up in so many ways.
 
The memory haunting me today was from when I was little. As he (my uncle)...






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