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screaming in despair (possible trigger warning)

Posted by Irishleo , 05 August 2014 · 169 views

We had another divorce attorney appointment today. We've finished mediation and begun the process of official filing. My heart is screaming in agony, surely I can't live with this much pain inside? My soul is being torn apart, I don't want any of this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I feel like I'm trapped in a hell of my own making, and now I can't get out. I keep praying that God will just let me drop dead and put an end to this suffering. I don't want to go on, what's the point? But yet I have no choice to go on. After all, I'm still young so I have plenty of years of unhappiness left to live.
I can't stop sobbing as I type these pathetic and self-pitying words. I hate myself so much. I know I don't deserve anything other than the misery I'm receiving. I've ruined my life and can't undo it. Everything is falling apart around me and I am powerless to stop it. Why couldn't I have just lived the way he wanted to live? Why couldn't I have just endured his horrible family and not let them drive us apart? At least I would have had my husband, who is the love of my life. Maybe I am just a horrible person, because I let outside things ruin what was a beautiful love.
No wonder I'm so unhappy, I'm a disgusting, horrible, pathetic, ugly person that deserves to be alone forever. And now, thanks to the decisions I've made, I will be. I have never felt as lost and hopeless as I do right now. I need help, but I don't know where to turn, and I know I don't deserve it. :'( :'( :'(

You are not a horrible disgusting person. I'm sorry that you are hurting so bad. But you have to remember that you were not being true to yourself when you were trying to be what he wanted you to be. You were living a false life. In time you would not exist as a person. You would have been an image of one. And not you.


You are young. You will find someone who will value you for the person you are. Feel your pain. It is real and it deserves to be acknowledged. It may take some time but it will pass. And at some point you will be looking forward to each new day.  

Candu- Thank you for your kindness, I really need it today. I know you are right when you talked about living a false life, because I did feel that way when I was still with him. And I also felt like a ghost, just fading away piece by piece.


But despite knowing this, it still hurts so much inside. i can't help but wonder if I should have pushed those feelings aside, out of respect for love. I don't know. I feel so lost and uncertain, and filled with so much regret.


Thanks again for your support and the kindness in your message, I appreciate it more than words can say.

What Candu said (beautifully).

'Why couldn't I have just lived the way he wanted to live? Why couldn't I have just endured his horrible family and not let them drive us apart?'

Because you couldn't do that and remain you. You saw this. But it doesn't make it any easier.


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