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Small details coming back to me... (minor trigger warning)

Posted by Irishleo , 10 March 2014 · 131 views

I was laying in bed just now trying to sleep when a random memory came back to me. At the time I was 9 years old, and the abuse had been going on for about four years already. I remembered making the decision to never go to the bathroom again. By nighttime though I wet the bed in my sleep, and I realized I couldn't hold that in forever. But I felt that I could control bowel movements, even if I couldn't control anything else in my life.
The reason I had come to hate going to the bathroom was because every time he would abuse me in that way it would make going to the bathroom an extremely painful thing. So I went a long time (it's hard to gauge time as a child so I'm not positive of the exactly how long, but maybe a few months) without having a bowel movement. This of course led to me nearly dying and being hospitalized for several days. During that time I was subjected to many enemas, day after day, which was very traumatic for me. I remember fighting with the nurses and screaming because I was so terrified that they would hurt me in the same way that my uncle had. They literally had to forcibly hold me down, and my mother refused to be in the room with me because it upset her, or so she said. What upset me the most though, was that she would not stay with me for more than an hour in an entire day. I would beg her to stay the night in the room with me, but she always said no. I never understood why.
I remember my parents being forced to take me to a child psychologist after that, because the doctors were telling them that I was being abused. They only ever took me once though, and never brought me back after that. I can't remember why though... I guess I'll ask my mother, though the chance of me getting an honest answer is pretty unlikely.
Anyway, I just felt like I needed to write this down. Now maybe my mind will let me get some sleep....

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