I've remembered a new detail of the abuse- trigger warning
What does matter though is that I was 9 years old. All this time, I was thinking the abuse ended when I was 7, but I was wrong. It went on much longer, years longer. It all makes sense now. I was hospitalized when I was 9 and nearly died because of the damage he did to me internally, but I could never understand why my body would have been effected years later. Now I know it's because the abuse hadn't ended yet. If only my mother had listened to the doctors when they told her they suspected we were being molested. If only I didn't lie to protect him out of fear. So many if only's, but nothing can change the past.
I will be seeing the monster in just a few weeks, at the annual family Christmas party. I hate him so much, it consumes me. With each new memory that resurfaces I'm left more and more in horror. It isn't fair. I didn't deserve what he did to me, no one deserves that. This latest memory has left me feeling filthy, contaminated, damaged. And if I'm being honest, it's left me feeling a little afraid. I fear the evil the lurks within him, because no one can do the things that man has done and not be some kind of sociopath. His very existence makes this world a darker place.