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I've remembered a new detail of the abuse- trigger warning

Posted by Irishleo , 05 December 2013 · 109 views

I've remembered another small piece of the puzzle this week. I was watching tv and an old movie came on from my childhood. As I sat watching it I suddenly had a flashback from my childhood that I'd long forgotten about. My sister and I were at the movie theater. That was an unusual occurrence on it's own, since it was very rare we got any kind of treat like that, but the sad part was that we were with HIM. Our uncle (our abuser), his son, and our father. We were all watching that movie in the theater. This memory then led to what happened afterwards, and I remembered another tool of abuse he used on my sister and I. I won't upset anyone by writing what it was, since it doesn't really matter anyway. Just one more depraved and disgusting thing to add to the list of what he subjected us to.
 
What does matter though is that I was 9 years old. All this time, I was thinking the abuse ended when I was 7, but I was wrong. It went on much longer, years longer. It all makes sense now. I was hospitalized when I was 9 and nearly died because of the damage he did to me internally, but I could never understand why my body would have been effected years later. Now I know it's because the abuse hadn't ended yet. If only my mother had listened to the doctors when they told her they suspected we were being molested. If only I didn't lie to protect him out of fear. So many if only's, but nothing can change the past.
 
I will be seeing the monster in just a few weeks, at the annual family Christmas party. I hate him so much, it consumes me. With each new memory that resurfaces I'm left more and more in horror. It isn't fair. I didn't deserve what he did to me, no one deserves that. This latest memory has left me feeling filthy, contaminated, damaged. And if I'm being honest, it's left me feeling a little afraid. I fear the evil the lurks within him, because no one can do the things that man has done and not be some kind of sociopath. His very existence makes this world a darker place.



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