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Why does the kindness of strangers always make me cry?

Posted by Irishleo , 03 October 2012 · 83 views

Went to the doctor today. I hadn't had a proper check up in so long and finally got a appt. However, it didn't go quite as planned. Part of the reason I was there was because I needed some kind of medicine to get my anxiety attacks under control, but as soon as we started talking I just sobbed and could barely get a word out. It was so humiliating, despite the doctors kindness. She was asking me so many personal questions though, until my sobs began choking me. I think the fact that she was being genuinely nice to me was what did it, my family (who are pretty much the only people I talk to at this point) are usually so mean to me that I almost forget what it feels like to be treated with sympathy or caring. (the only other place I get kindness is from my friends here in Pandy's, which I'm grateful for) anyway, they're doing lots of bloodctestsvto find outvwhatscwrong with me, so hopefully in a few days I will know more.

Im sorry to be whiny but it's just been such a tough month. Money is really tight at the moment and I'm not even managing to make ends meet. My health is not good right now, and I'm still homeless and staying with my mom, but she's deliberately being as mean as possible to me and my daughter so well leave. If only we could leave.... :( I still haven't gotten a cent in child support in six months.

Last week most of my family attended a birthday party for my uncle. I couldn't help but feel betrayed. It just shows how they don't believe me or my sister about the abuse. My mother especially always likes to pretend I never told her, and even asked if I was going to the party. I wanted to shout "NO LADY IM NOT! I'm not in the habit of hanging out with monsters". But I didn't say anything, instead I just walked away. I cant deal with her denial right now.

So I'm trying to stay strong. I'm still in college and my grades are excellent, so hopefully I can graduate next year and find a good paying job. I'm trying to block out the flashbacks that come to me at night, and focus on fixing my life. But I am feeling afraid and worried about the next few months. I guess I've turned into a big crybaby. Sorry for all the complaining, just feeling really sad and alone tonight.

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