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The face of evil

Posted by Irishleo , 17 September 2012 · 58 views

I had an anxiety attack this morning. I was trying to get my daughter ready for school when the same old flashbacks kept popping in my head. The memory of the profound physical pain he subjected my tiny body to that first time. The way he laughed mockingly as I pleaded with him to stop hurting me. The terror and fear that overwhelmed me when I was five came flooding back, as if it was happening to me all over again. And I remembered how passionately I hated myself afterwards, thinking he was right and that I was bad and no one would ever love me once they knew what I'd done with him. How he laughed wickedly as he zipped his pants, and talked about how severely I'd be punished by my father if I dared tell anyone. He knew how afraid I was of my father hitting me, which he did often, so he exploited that fear.

It was such a relief when my daughter got on the school bus and I could go home and cry where she couldn't see me.

I hate my uncle so much. I don't want to carry hate within me, because I believe that hate is such a destructive force that its like a double edged sword, but it's so hard. I will have to see the monster again at Christmas time at our family party as usual, and I'm already dreading it. (I wrote about our last meeting in another blog entry, which was the first time I saw him since I remembered the rapes) Even just writing these words is making my heart pound in my chest.

My uncle is truly evil. He's a murderer (who got off on a legal technicality), and a pedophile. Though somehow everyone always makes excuses for him, or chooses not to believe the truth about him. They still see him as a local town hero... But I know who he really is.
I don't understand how people like him become so dark and cruel. Maybe some people are just born evil. But I DO believe that God sees everything, and there will come a day when my uncle has to stand before God and be judged. In the meantime, I just wish I didn't have to feel so haunted by the memories of what he's done to me. :(

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