can't stop crying- I'm broken
Now I have no way to get to my classes (some of which are far away), to doctor appts, grocery store, etc. I don't live near any buses. I can't afford taxis. I can't even get the dmv to fix this situation until the new title arrives, and even then that is going to have the wrong year printed on it since the registration did, which means I have to send it back and wait ANOTHER 8 weeks minimun. It could be MONTHS before I can drive again.
My chest hurts right now. I've been crying and hyperventilating, and I can't stop. I know this car situation and suspended license might seem like a minor thing, but it's just the latest thing that's has happened to me. It seems like every freaking day something else comes up.
I NEED HELP! And I have no one. I have nobody in my life to help me. It's so hard doing everything alone. I feel like my life is a sick joke. Like God is laughing at me as he watches me try again and again to make a good life for myself, and how I fail every time. I've fought so hard for so long to do the right things and to be a good person, but it's like none of it matters. I'm tired of fighting. I'm tired of trying so hard and not succeeding.
My heart and soul are so very weary. I'm tired of having a life that is filled with so much pain and hardship. I'm tired of trying to console myself by telling myself that hardship and suffering in life teaches us valuable lessons. That may be true, but I've learned enough. I've experienced enough in my fairly short life so far, poverty, sexual/emotional/physical abuse, divorce, homelessness, starvation, medical deprivation, isolation and loneliness, eating disorders, a cold unloving family etc. I'm just tired of it all. Life isn't supposed to be this hard. ENOUGH!
I feel like just screaming until I don't have any voice left. I'm so alone, and afraid of the future. Maybe it was never my destiny to be happy or successful. Maybe I'm meant to be a broken person forever. Maybe that day long ago when he raped me as a child the path destroyed the person I would have been and left this mess that I am instead. Or maybe I am just a failure, plain and simple. I might be nice, and loving, but my heart holds no value to anyone so those qualities don't really matter. Sigh.... if anyone bothered to read this, sorry for my whining. I just needed to vent so badly, even if no one is out there to read my words. I just can't take it anymore.
I wish I was never born.