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can't stop crying- I'm broken

Posted by Irishleo , 07 August 2012 · 43 views


:bawling: :bawling: :bawling: For the last hour I've just sat sobbing. I just feel like giving up. EVERYTHING keeps going wrong, to the point that it's ridiculous. Tonight for example is the latest absurdity of my life. I am in the middle of my college final exams. Tonight I left my class, picked up my daughter at the babysitter, only to get home and receive a letter from the dmv telling me my license is suspended and I need to return my license plates because I didn't get my car inspected. (just a little background as to why it wasn't inspected- I bought my car a few weeks ago and when I took it to a mechanic to get it inspected they discovered that the dmv had printed the wrong year on the registration so they couldn't inspect it. I asked what I was supposed to do, and he said I'd have to bring him my title. So I drove home only to find out that my mother had accidentally thrown it away. So I had no choice but to wait for the new title to be mailed to me, which was only supposed to take a few weeks but still hasn't come yet) So.... I was horrified to read this dmv letter suspending my license. Just great, that will look wonderful on my record, seeing as I am currently in college studying a degree related to criminal justice. Thank God I wasn't pulled over, I could have been arrested and kissed my career goodbye.

Now I have no way to get to my classes (some of which are far away), to doctor appts, grocery store, etc. I don't live near any buses. I can't afford taxis. I can't even get the dmv to fix this situation until the new title arrives, and even then that is going to have the wrong year printed on it since the registration did, which means I have to send it back and wait ANOTHER 8 weeks minimun. It could be MONTHS before I can drive again.

My chest hurts right now. I've been crying and hyperventilating, and I can't stop. I know this car situation and suspended license might seem like a minor thing, but it's just the latest thing that's has happened to me. It seems like every freaking day something else comes up.

I NEED HELP! And I have no one. I have nobody in my life to help me. It's so hard doing everything alone. I feel like my life is a sick joke. Like God is laughing at me as he watches me try again and again to make a good life for myself, and how I fail every time. I've fought so hard for so long to do the right things and to be a good person, but it's like none of it matters. I'm tired of fighting. I'm tired of trying so hard and not succeeding.

My heart and soul are so very weary. I'm tired of having a life that is filled with so much pain and hardship. I'm tired of trying to console myself by telling myself that hardship and suffering in life teaches us valuable lessons. That may be true, but I've learned enough. I've experienced enough in my fairly short life so far, poverty, sexual/emotional/physical abuse, divorce, homelessness, starvation, medical deprivation, isolation and loneliness, eating disorders, a cold unloving family etc. I'm just tired of it all. Life isn't supposed to be this hard. ENOUGH!

:bawling: :bawling: :bawling: :bawling: :bawling: :bawling: :bawling: I feel like just screaming until I don't have any voice left. I'm so alone, and afraid of the future. Maybe it was never my destiny to be happy or successful. Maybe I'm meant to be a broken person forever. Maybe that day long ago when he raped me as a child the path destroyed the person I would have been and left this mess that I am instead. Or maybe I am just a failure, plain and simple. I might be nice, and loving, but my heart holds no value to anyone so those qualities don't really matter. Sigh.... if anyone bothered to read this, sorry for my whining. I just needed to vent so badly, even if no one is out there to read my words. I just can't take it anymore.

I wish I was never born. :bawling:



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shatteredAli
Aug 07 2012 09:30 PM
Oh Irishleo...

I am so sorry. I wish there was something that I could do. Please don't give up. Don't let things beat you down ok? Life has a way of catching up with all of us. It sounds stupid to some people and its so very hard but this is the time to draw closer to God and ask him to shelter you. To hold you when you feel down. To give you the peace to stay calm and find your way out of the situation.

I would love to pray for you if that is ok?

<3 <3
shatteredAli- Sorry for the late response, I haven't been on much lately. I just wanted to thank you for your kind comment, and to say I would be grateful for any prayer, thanks so much :hug:
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shatteredAli
Aug 23 2012 09:37 PM
Irishleo,

I am so sorry for the hard times. I am there too. I am still praying for you. I do everyday.

Hugs!


<3

Alison

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