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Saw my abuser last night and I'm still in one piece (sort of)

Posted by Irishleo , 02 July 2012 · 117 views

Yesterday I finally saw my abuser since all my memories returned. Unfortunately, it didn't go as I'd hoped. I'd envisioned this grand confrontation, even planning many of the things I'd say. Unfortunately, the party ended up being much bigger than I'd anticipated and it was literally impossible for anyone to speak privately, and I wasn't going to announce to everyone at the party about the abuse.

As soon as my sister and I arrived together he shouted my name out in his booming voice, opening his arms wide to me. We quickly turned and walked in the opposite direction, ignoring him completely. This seemed to annoy him, and as we walked through the garden he (and his stepdaughter) actually followed us to my disbelief. We tried to hurry through the paths but he caught up.(the garden is immense and filled with hidden pathways, a pond, and groves)His behavior was particularly disturbing because he usually ignores me, this was the first family party since he assaulted me as a child where he actually sought me out. As we all stood there awkwardly I situated myself on the rocks surrounding the water so it would be difficult for him to touch me and I just spoke with his stepdaughter and tried to pretend he didn't exist.

Later back in the house he pursued me all night, trying to engage me in conversation and trying to stand close to me. It was as if the more I ignored him the more he felt the need to speak to me. At one point when I was talking to my sister he came up behind her and rubbed his knuckles on her lower back. She stepped away quickly and left the room in disgust. I just gave him a contemptuous look and followed her.

As the night progressed his began to become angrier with me, shooting me hateful looks. There was one moment when I walked past him carrying a tray of food to the kitchen. He was sitting in a chair next to the doorway and he put his leg out to block me leaving the room. I stopped and our gazes met and all I could think was how completely devoid of humanity those suspicious blue eyes appeared. They seemed totally soulless, and evil. I just stared at him with no expression and stepped around his leg.

But to my surprise I felt no fear of him at all. Absolutely none. But I don't think it was courage on my part, but I don't know how to explain it. I just felt disgust and hatred mingled with sadness. Not sadness for him, but for all the children he's violated.

When it was time to leave he tried one final time to approach me, and reached out his arm to take mine. I just turned my back and him and walked to my car, feeling his eyes on me as I went. I felt proud of myself in that moment in a small way, like there was also a symbolism to turning my back on him that even he understood.

I felt okay until late last night when it was almost time to go to bed. I'd just finished packing my daughter's clothes because the following day she would be attending a half day summer camp for the first time. I turned off the lights and then suddenly all I could think of was visions of her being raped or killed at the camp, and I had a sudden massive anxiety attack. I pictured a man like my uncle hurting her in the way I was hurt at the same age she is now. I began hyperventilating and had so much chest pain that I thought I might be having a heart attack. My throat closed up and I could barely breathe. I collapsed into a ball on the wooden floor in the dark, choking and sobbing brokenly on and off for hours having the worst thoughts imaginable.

The last two months have been the worst of my entire life. Last night I finally reached my breaking point. It's getting harder to stay strong, but I'm trying. But last night was a very bad one for me, and I could really use a hug if anyone here has a spare one. Thanks for listening to anyone that read this blog entry, I know it was a long one but I needed to release some of this stress.

For you Irishleo :hug:

I am so sorry last night was so bad for you.
You did so amazingly well being around your abuser. I think the way you handled it was better than a confrontation and I think he has been left in no doubt that you have remembered. I can understand that it might provoke some very frightened feelings but you are the powerful one now. He has every reason to be scared of you now.
Be gentle with yourself, you did a huge thing. :hug:

sorry to hear you had a bad night but you are amazing for what you did at the party, i can completely understand where your fears come from reagrding your daughter. i hope you are somewhere safe :)

sending hugs

:hug: :hug: :hug:
Wildroses- thank you so much for your support, it means a lot to me. While at the time I was unhappy to not have the type of confrontation I wanted, I think ultimately you're right and that the way it ended up was probably better in the long run. After all, he certainly wasn't going to feel bad about what he did to me. Thanks for reading and for being there to support me, it helps make things more bearable knowing I'm not completely alone :hug:
Survadvo- Thank you for your comment and support, I appreciate it. It was one of the worst nights I've had in a very long time, but I'm feeling better now in some ways. Thanks for your kind words and for the hugs :hug:

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