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I've remembered more of what he did to me- possible trigger

Posted by Irishleo , 13 June 2012 · 80 views

New flashbacks just hit me and I can't stop shaking. My throat feels so tight, and it's hard to breathe. I'm panicking, and I don't know what else to do other than write this all down quickly, maybe it will purge it away from me somehow. I've felt triggery for the last two days, ever since my stepmother said we might be giving him a ride. (We were out running errands in her car when my father called her and said we might need to pick up my uncle)

Then just a few minutes ago two more fragmented memories popped into my head, and it scared me so much. It wasn't just the remembrance of him hurting me, it was that I was feeling like I was five years old again.

God, for a moment I was soooo afraid of him again. The first part took place in my childhood bedroom, and it was late at night. I could smell the beer on his breath, and see his cruel face in the moonlight that shone into the room. My bed was positioned next to the window, and he was perfectly illuminated. God, I'm shaking so much as I type this because the memory was so vivid. I was so little next to him in my small bed, he's well over six feet and huge. He was hurting me so much as he raped me, and as always there was nothing I could do. I was too afraid to even try to stop him, other than to beg him. My begging sometimes amused him, but usually angered him which made him hurt me more. This time, he enjoyed it.

This was part of another flashback I've mentioned in earlier blogs, this was the same night when my uncle was drinking with my dad downstairs, but when I was about to go to bed he was going to the bathroom (the only bathroom was located next to my room at one end of the house). He had come in and was pretending to like my jammies, and stroking my chest and between my legs. I've previously written about how I remember trying to talk like a baby so I would seem younger, because I thought somehow that would protect me. And of course it didn't. Anyway, today's memory is part of that same flashback, only it's later at night when everyone is in bed. (I don't know if my dad was passed out from drinking downstairs or was in his room on other side of the house. My bedroom was isolated from everyone else's.)

But now I know what I've remembered today is the same night, and was a continuation of his abusing me. This was the incident that made me beg my mom to let me share a room with one of my sisters the next day. (I didn't tell her why though, I was scared of getting in trouble) In the past my sister and I have talked at length as adults, trying to remember what has precipitated my asking to move into her room but we couldn't recall. Now I remember.

When my older sister and I starting sharing a room each night I would push our little twin beds together because I felt safer when I would hug her and fall asleep still holding onto her. She always hated being touched but didn't resist. Now I understand why she hated anyone touching her, because of how much he was abusing her. He hurt her before me, and like me she has several lifelong health problems related to the rapes)

The second part of my current flashback took place in our newly shared bedroom. He came in again late at night, which was more daring because this bedroom was closer to my parents and there was more of a chance of him being caught. But I think that was part of the enjoyment for him, the danger of being caught but never actually being caught. In this memory it was dark in the room, and our beds were pushed together. But he came in and I woke up instantly, terrified and shocked that I wasn't safe after all. He grabbed me by the ankles hard and yanked me down to the end of the bed. My sister woke up too and was terrified. She curled up against the wall that the bed was pressed against, her knees under her chin and little arms holding her legs in the corner watching in terror as he raped me on the same bed. He didn't say a word in this memory, but I remember crying silently in fear and pain, and praying that mine and my sister's guardian angels would come down from Heaven and stop him from hurting us. I don't know if he raped her too in this memory because the memory didn't go any further than this.

I don't know how to explain how I feel right now, other than to say that right now I feel like I'm five years old again, and I'm afraid.

Irishleo, is ok. You're big and safe now. He cannot hurt you now.

I wish I had been there to protect little five year old you and your sister. Makes me so angry what he did to you.

Gentle hugs for you, if ok.

I am so sorry for all the pain you are going through right now. I am terrified that I will continue to have flashbacks of awful memories of the evil stepfather that I have repressed.

Just take good care of you and your 5 year old self.

Blessings as always and :hug: :hug: :hug:
Thank you Wildroses and Bellachai. I'm short on words right now but please know your support means a lot me. :hug: to you both.

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