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Running through quicksand until I disappear

Posted by Irishleo , 11 June 2012 · 54 views

Feel like just giving up. Everything I've been working so hard to put together this week to fix my life and my daughter's is all imploding before it even begins. In one sweep all these things I thought I had arranged are all being taken away from me for one reason or another. I'm terified of what is going to happen, and there is no one to help me. I have no one. I had been so proud of myself this week, thinking that despite my difficulties I was prevailing but I was an idiot. I should have know better than to think otherwise.

Also, I was with my stepmother earlier this afternoon and she mentioned casually we might have to give my uncle a ride. I almsot fainted from shock. This is the man that abused me as a child (a fact my stepmother is well aware of) and she expected me to share a car ride with him. Is she insane??? He ended up not needing a ride, but the whole thing left me feeling ill.

When am I going to ever find the light in my life? I feel trapped in the darkness, where I can see the light but am unable to reach it. I'm trying so hard, I'm doing everything in my power, and still I can't seem to get anywhere. It's like I'm trying to run through quicksand, but it just swallows me up. I feel so incredibly alone and unloved. Maybe that's all I will ever know from now on. I've been alone most of my life, why did I ever think that a day would come when it would be different? I'm a stupid hopeful fool. I hate myself so much I can't bear it. My heart and soul ache.

YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!! sorry for caps, but i know sometimes that can help enforce the message....a day will come when there is difference. it may be slow, it may be fast but it will come! in ur last paragraph you ask when are you going to ever find the light in your life, and then say you can see the light. perhaps that is your step forward at this point in time. that there is a light. i am sending u good vibes, and hopfully you will feel them soon!!!
p.s. the thing about quicksand is there is a bottom to it, and perhaps imagine yourself when you have been swallowed up pushing off the bottom and flying through the sludge to come out on top.

"A strong woman has faith that she is strong enough for the jouney-a woman of strength has the faith that it is in the journey that she will become strong"

you are strong, u have made it this far and shows you also have strength!
Evie03, your kind message made me very emotional. It does resonate with me, and I will try to see things the way you said, especially what you wrote about the quicksand. I really needed to hear something encouraging like what you wrote, so thank you. Some days are harder than others, and yesterday was a very hard day for me. Knowing that there are kind people out there like you really helps me not to feel so alone. :hug:
Irishleo, sometimes life just throws a spanner in the works for no reason. You’re not an idiot and whatever happened to disrupt things you still took positive actions to try to improve things.

Your stepmother was insensitive and thoughtless. I’m sorry she treated you like that.

I know what it’s like to feel so alone. There is nothing stupid or foolish about hoping, is sometimes all we have to lead us forward. Perhaps we could walk side by side through some of the lonely bits.


Thank you WildRoses, I appreciate your comment. I am very grateful to you and all the kind people I have met on Pandy's. Your support means a lot to me, so thank you. I hope I am able to offer you the same kind of comfort you have offered me. And I know you're right about hope, I suppose it's better to hope and possibly fail than to be hopeless and definitely fail. Sometimes hope truly is all that's there...
I am sorry about your stepmother, that was mean and insensitive. You are not an idiot. I do know that. I know in the dark "i hate myself place" that is so hard to see and know, but it is true. You are not alone here. Take care of yourself

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