Fed up with my so called mother
And of course, even though my mother heard the whole thing and knew I had done absolutely nothing wrong, she got upset that I had made him angry. Even though she agreed I'd done nothing wrong!!! Then again, this is the woman that found out that my sister and I were being abused over and over again as as children and did absolutely nothing to stop it or help us. She can't deal with problems or stress, so the end result is that I am often left to my own devices or blowing in the wind. She has always been a terrible mother because she cares more about herself than does about anyone else. She is a terrible mother to all her children, and a terrible grandmother as well. Physically she is a very beautiful woman, and I have often wondered if that beauty has created something of a monster in her. She rests on her good looks, reveling in the frequent praise it brings her, thinking it means that she doesn't have to be kind to other people, or loyal. It's all about her. Sometimes beauty really is only skin deep.
I do love her, but she makes it very hard at times. My whole life she's hated that I'm an affectionate person, seeing affection as a weakness. (My father is the same way, they're a match made in Heaven) She's always been a cold person, but no matter how cruel she can be a big part of me wants so badly to have a close loving relationship with her. Some stupid part of me still seeks her approval, her respect. I don't know why I bother, I know I will never have them. I guess we are all just programmed to love our parents, regardless of whether they love us back. But for some reason I let go of trying to have a relationship with my father (a man who must literally be the most cold unloving human being on Earth, trust me) but I don't want to let my mom go just yet. I love her, I hate her. I hate myself for writing these ugly things.
Feeling sad tonight. I know I'm strong, but I wish that for once in my life someone else could be strong for me. Someone to just hold me and tell me everything will be alright. Someone who won't betray me or abuse my love and trust. I feel so alone and sad tonight.