Brief graphic flashback
But then last night I was hit with another flashback from out of nowhere. I was busy online, examining course options when all of a sudden I saw him in my head. I saw a flash of him in my old childhood bedroom in my bed, and we were naked. His face was in between my legs and he was leering up at me in his typical evil way. I couldn't have been more than six years old in this memory. He was performing oral sex on me, and I was afraid. I remembered how much pleasure he took in my fear, in my absolute helplessness.
Then just like that I was back in my adult reality, feeling sick to my stomach with a lingering frightened feeling. I felt dirty and disgusting. And full of impotent rage at him. I have found out that where I live is one of the few states that has no statute of limitations on child molestation and sexual assault, so I desperately hope that somehow he can be brought to justice. (and not just the kind we all face in the afterlife) I've heard this week from other family members that he's been unwell. I thought, it couldn't have happened to a more deserving person than him. I hope to God he is suffering.
There is nothing more vile than a man that abuses the weak or defenseless. My abuser is a truly evil, vicious man. He's a murderer, a child rapist, a committer of incest, and God knows how many other sins. But yet he walks free, a pillar of the community. Every time I hear someone say nice things about him around town I want to scream and shout the truth. But I can't. Not yet anyway. And in truth, there is a part of me that is embarrased and ashamed to admit what he's done to me and to other children. I fear the looks of disgust and disbelief that I know would follow my accusation. After all, he's a local hero from his fire fighting days. If only they knew what lurked beneath his surface...
I'm so frustrated with my own mind. WHY must I keep having frequent memories like this? It's traumatic to have them, especially when they come unexpectedly. I wish I could just have them all at once, deal with them, and begin to heal. But instead every few weeks something triggers me and I remember something else. I don't want to carry this hatred inside me, but I will NEVER forgive my uncle for what he's done to me. Never. Just six more months until I see him again (which will be the first time since the memories returned) Christmas Night at my family's usual gathering, I will FINALLY face this disgusting s.o.b. and confront him. Please God, please just let me remember it all so I can try to put the pieces of me back together. Haven't I suffered enough?