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All day I just keep worrying that I am making the wrong decision about ending my marriage. I know that ending it is the only logical choice and that it's the right decision for me and my child, but I also know it's not the right thing for my husband. I feel so selfish, and so sad when I think about my husband and what this is going to do to his life. Meeting and marrying me was probably the worst thing that ever happened to him. I'm a broken person that he tried to fix, and it's not his fault he failed. I failed him, and I failed myself. But I have to make sure I don't fail my daughter now, because she matters more than anything. She's still young enough that she won't remember most of this time period of her life.
This guilt is consuming me. I don't want to hurt him, he's been there for me and loved me as much as I have for him. Even the mistakes he made in our marriage were made out of youth and inexperience. And when we seperated a few years ago he tried to change and became a better man. But somehow though I started as the perfect wife, I slipped over the years and the two of us reversed roles. If I had left the marriage three years ago like I'd tried to, I would left with everyone's sympathy and understanding (including my husband's) but now to leave at this time, I feel like I'm a villain because he's tried so hard and now I'm just ending it. He deserves better than that. But I can't be what he wants me to be.
Three more days and then I have to tell him it's over. I am so afraid, not of what will happen to me but of the pain I'm causing him. I still love him so much, I never wanted to hurt him. I wish there was some way we could still be together because when two people love each other there should be a way to make it work. But the obstacles that face us can't be compromised on, we just want such different things. I feel like I have no right to be sad about it because I'm the one hurting him and not the other way around.
I hate myself so much. Wherever I go I leave a trail of pain and suffering. I never mean to, but that doesn't really matter. My heart is so incredibly heavy.
This guilt is consuming me. I don't want to hurt him, he's been there for me and loved me as much as I have for him. Even the mistakes he made in our marriage were made out of youth and inexperience. And when we seperated a few years ago he tried to change and became a better man. But somehow though I started as the perfect wife, I slipped over the years and the two of us reversed roles. If I had left the marriage three years ago like I'd tried to, I would left with everyone's sympathy and understanding (including my husband's) but now to leave at this time, I feel like I'm a villain because he's tried so hard and now I'm just ending it. He deserves better than that. But I can't be what he wants me to be.
Three more days and then I have to tell him it's over. I am so afraid, not of what will happen to me but of the pain I'm causing him. I still love him so much, I never wanted to hurt him. I wish there was some way we could still be together because when two people love each other there should be a way to make it work. But the obstacles that face us can't be compromised on, we just want such different things. I feel like I have no right to be sad about it because I'm the one hurting him and not the other way around.
I hate myself so much. Wherever I go I leave a trail of pain and suffering. I never mean to, but that doesn't really matter. My heart is so incredibly heavy.
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It doesn't sound like you are rushing into this decision. You have both tried to sort things out but you know in your heart of hearts it can't be for whatever reason. We only have one chance at life and we need to follow our hearts, believe and trust our intuition. It is sad that you love this man so much as it makes your decision harder. What you need to focus on is how much more hurt he may end up if you stay together for the wrong reasons, but only you will know that. You are being very brave so don't hate yourself, it takes amazing courage to walk away even when you know it is going to be hard. All the best.
Granny