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When I look back on the life I've lived so far, I have so many regrets. While part of me recognizes that I wouldn't be the person I am now without ALL my past experiences, both good and bad, another part of me wonders if that's a good thing.
I regret making the pursuit of love the top priority in my life for so many years. But because I got so little love at home, I sought it so earnestly outside, through friends and romantic interests. I gave myself to people that didn't deserve me or treat me right because I thought that was better than nothing. I thought it would make them care about me, but instead all it did was make me feel empty and sad, and even more lonely. But I always believed that true love was out there, and eventually I found it. Only now it has crumbled and burned, imploded from within. And while I do still believe in true love, part of me thinks I'm not worthy of it anymore. But I know that's not true, we're all worthy of it. But I'm certainly not enjoying the tremendous pain that comes with the end of marriage and love. Raw pain more exquisite than any I've known before.
I regret not being stronger in the past, and making choices for the sake of peace and compromise to the extent that it has now led me to need to overthrow most of the life I've been living because I allowed myself to be put into a prison of sorts. Like a captive that handed my jailors my own key to the cell. I gave up my freedom, even though I knew it's value. I want it back.
I regret letting fear dictate much of my life. Whether it was a fear of abandoment or loneliness, or just self-doubt. I have made mistake after mistake because I was afraid, when just a little more courage would have gone a long way.
I regret that I let other people determine my worth, because most of those people weren't looking out for my best interests. I couldn't see back then that I WAS a good person, with a lot to offer. All I could see were the imperfections, magnified a thousand fold by my self critical mind. If only someone could have told me back then, but all I ever heard was how bad I was, what a disappointment simply because I wasn't living the life others had chosen for me. Even now that's all my family says, but I'm old enought to realize that they're wrong. These are the same people that knew I was being molested and did nothing to help me, so who cares what they think of my choices in life? My life could very well have ended early on, I certainly made enough dangerous choices in my youth to make that a real possibility. But I made it through all that without their help, so I don't need their help now either. Nor their judgments. The difference between them and I is that I tell my child every day how wonderful she is, and make her feel like she can do anything. Because that's what a real parent does.
Anyway, maybe sometimes we have to go through these tumultuous times in order to change things that aren't working in our lives. I'm facing the most difficult time of my life now, I hope to God I make it through this. If I can make it through the next few months, I know I can make it through anything life throws at me.
I regret making the pursuit of love the top priority in my life for so many years. But because I got so little love at home, I sought it so earnestly outside, through friends and romantic interests. I gave myself to people that didn't deserve me or treat me right because I thought that was better than nothing. I thought it would make them care about me, but instead all it did was make me feel empty and sad, and even more lonely. But I always believed that true love was out there, and eventually I found it. Only now it has crumbled and burned, imploded from within. And while I do still believe in true love, part of me thinks I'm not worthy of it anymore. But I know that's not true, we're all worthy of it. But I'm certainly not enjoying the tremendous pain that comes with the end of marriage and love. Raw pain more exquisite than any I've known before.
I regret not being stronger in the past, and making choices for the sake of peace and compromise to the extent that it has now led me to need to overthrow most of the life I've been living because I allowed myself to be put into a prison of sorts. Like a captive that handed my jailors my own key to the cell. I gave up my freedom, even though I knew it's value. I want it back.
I regret letting fear dictate much of my life. Whether it was a fear of abandoment or loneliness, or just self-doubt. I have made mistake after mistake because I was afraid, when just a little more courage would have gone a long way.
I regret that I let other people determine my worth, because most of those people weren't looking out for my best interests. I couldn't see back then that I WAS a good person, with a lot to offer. All I could see were the imperfections, magnified a thousand fold by my self critical mind. If only someone could have told me back then, but all I ever heard was how bad I was, what a disappointment simply because I wasn't living the life others had chosen for me. Even now that's all my family says, but I'm old enought to realize that they're wrong. These are the same people that knew I was being molested and did nothing to help me, so who cares what they think of my choices in life? My life could very well have ended early on, I certainly made enough dangerous choices in my youth to make that a real possibility. But I made it through all that without their help, so I don't need their help now either. Nor their judgments. The difference between them and I is that I tell my child every day how wonderful she is, and make her feel like she can do anything. Because that's what a real parent does.
Anyway, maybe sometimes we have to go through these tumultuous times in order to change things that aren't working in our lives. I'm facing the most difficult time of my life now, I hope to God I make it through this. If I can make it through the next few months, I know I can make it through anything life throws at me.
Tags: regret, self-doubt, pain
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