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I had an odd talk with my mother today. I'm starting to suspect that she's known all along what he did to me. I didn't want to believe that before because I love her, but the more I try to talk about what happened the more strange and detached her responses become. I've been noticing little clues in what she says and in what she doesn't say that I didn't notice before.(or didn't want to notice maybe) She even admitted to me that several doctors were telling her her children were being abused and she ignored them, and claims to me now that she figured it wasn't true. What kind of mother doesn't bother to find out and take action!!! And when she did find out, rather than calling the police she did nothing. Absolutely nothing to protect us. That vile man just kept coming to our house and no one did a thing. It's like a bad after school special.
I want soooo badly to be wrong!!!! I don't want to believe that my mother was the first one to stop my father from confronting my abuser! But again when I try to get her to open up, she just has so little interest, all she wants to do is pretend my memories aren't real. Just sweep them under the rug so no one can see it. Too bad if it destroys me in the process.
When I think about the violations and real damage he did to my body that I have to live with, I'm so angry I want to scream. What kind of sick pervert thinks it's fun to rape children using random objects like wood as well as their adult bodies?
The flashbacks keep happening, and as I mentioned in another blog entry, the most recent thing I remember is the piece of wood he would use to abuse me and my sister. At first I recalled it, but not what exactly what he did to me with it, but unfortunately now I remember that as well. When I finally remembered last night in more detail I felt like vomiting, and just locked myself in my room and cried. I just don't understand, how the do you do something like that to another human being, especially a vulnerable little child???? I LOVED him before he hurt me. How could he be so cruel? How can anyone listen to the screams and cries as they inflict pain, and not have any conscience? And to do it over and over again? And this man was a firefighter! Someone who is supposed to be a hero and save people. But I know him for what he is. The most evil and soulless creature. I still haven't seen him since my memories return, but I am looking forward to it. I want to look this beast in the eyes and know that as an adult now, I don't have to fear him anymore. I'm not going to let him consume me into the darkness with him.
I wish this pain would cease. I'm tired of carrying this around with me, but I cannot deny it is a part of me because it reshaped the person I would have been and I am what is left. For better or for worse.
When did my life become so unrecognizable?
I want soooo badly to be wrong!!!! I don't want to believe that my mother was the first one to stop my father from confronting my abuser! But again when I try to get her to open up, she just has so little interest, all she wants to do is pretend my memories aren't real. Just sweep them under the rug so no one can see it. Too bad if it destroys me in the process.
When I think about the violations and real damage he did to my body that I have to live with, I'm so angry I want to scream. What kind of sick pervert thinks it's fun to rape children using random objects like wood as well as their adult bodies?
The flashbacks keep happening, and as I mentioned in another blog entry, the most recent thing I remember is the piece of wood he would use to abuse me and my sister. At first I recalled it, but not what exactly what he did to me with it, but unfortunately now I remember that as well. When I finally remembered last night in more detail I felt like vomiting, and just locked myself in my room and cried. I just don't understand, how the do you do something like that to another human being, especially a vulnerable little child???? I LOVED him before he hurt me. How could he be so cruel? How can anyone listen to the screams and cries as they inflict pain, and not have any conscience? And to do it over and over again? And this man was a firefighter! Someone who is supposed to be a hero and save people. But I know him for what he is. The most evil and soulless creature. I still haven't seen him since my memories return, but I am looking forward to it. I want to look this beast in the eyes and know that as an adult now, I don't have to fear him anymore. I'm not going to let him consume me into the darkness with him.
I wish this pain would cease. I'm tired of carrying this around with me, but I cannot deny it is a part of me because it reshaped the person I would have been and I am what is left. For better or for worse.
When did my life become so unrecognizable?
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