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I'm in such a dark place in my life right now. I'm searching so hopefully for the light, and I know it's there, but it's almost like it's moving so fast that I don't know if I can catch up with it. Everyone else is in the light and is happy, and I've been left behind to fend for myself. I'm so tired of feeling afraid and lonely. So tired of hating myself so much. Why does my life have to be such a struggle? Why do I have to fight so very hard to have the things most people are given and take for granted?
Why am I then judged for not taking the path in life that others have taken? Don't they think I WANT many of the same things other people want? I WANT happiness. I WANT love. I WANT a loving family more than anything in the world. I don't seek riches or acclaim. I don't dream of material possessions. All I truly want, and have ever wanted was to be loved, and to give love back. To take care of people, and feel needed. To be surrounded by family, where we all help and support each other.
But that has always remained elusive to me. It all gets close enough where I can see it, hear it, almost touch it. Just almost, as if it's a watery mirage that slips through my fingers, and I can't hold on to it. Not because I turn away from it, but because I'm not wanted back. Maybe it would be easier if I could just accept that but I can't. A life without love is no life at all.
I'm sorry if my complaining annoys anyone who reads this blog. I don't have anywhere else I can vent. I feel so small, and sad. I've always been alone, and I'm so tired of it. I can't remember a recent day where I haven't cried, I'm even crying right now as I type these words. Today is a day when the wind is like a hurricane... :(/>