Pandora's Aquarium: Being tested by more flashbacks - Pandora's Aquarium

For the last few days I have been doing a great job in trying to change the way I view the world, but I am also being severely tested by flashbacks. My therapist has helped me to see that I have been torturing myself with self loathing and extreme self criticism, and I am truly happy to find that there is some strength in me after all, because I am making positive changes to make my life better. People around me have noticed the positive changes as well, which has made me feel proud of myself and even as if I liked myself; something that I haven't felt in many years.

But the flashbacks are back with a vengeance, and just won't let up. I woke up from a dream at 3am last night about my attacker. It was yet another flashback (my third this week) and this one was even more clear than some of the others have been. These memories are still imperfect though, like many puzzle pieces that I have to put together. I remember as a child hiding yet another pair of underwear deep in the dirty laundry pile, and praying that no one would find them. But more ominously, I have a strange memory of hiding a piece of wood. The wood was somehow used as a tool in my sexual abuse, but I can't remember all the details yet. I just recall that my father was looking for this piece of wood, and if he had found it it would confirm that I was telling the truth about the abuse. But I hid that too, because I was scared of getting in trouble. Though I don't remember what was done to me with the piece of wood, I shudder to think about it. Anyway, I sat in the dark for hours last night, feeling sick and afraid and like I was just a kid again.

Just when I think it can't get any worse, I have another disgusting memory about my abuser. How many times was I subjected to his sick desires? I know my mind must think I am ready to deal with these memories otherwise I wouldn't be recalling them. But why can't they all come at once and spare me this dragged out stress and upset?

Next week I will be seeing my father, and I am finally going to question him as an adult about what he knows about what my uncle did to me and to my sister. I need to cleanse myself once and for all of the shame and sadness I unfairly carry within me.

Strangely though, though I've been so weak in the past now I truly feel ready to face this once and for all. I'm tired of everyone sweeping things under the carpet. I'm not going to let this destroy me, I deserve better than that. We all do.