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More and more I wonder what kind of person I would have been if I hadn't been abused growing up. I know others on this website have at times voiced the same thought. I remember when I was a little kid being so outgoing and playful, never revealing the hidden secret that I was being raped. Being out of the house with my friends made me so happy, I felt safe and in control. It felt so good being cared about, since that was something that I didn't get very much at home. It was only with my maternal grandparents (not the ones related to my sick rapist uncle) that I received very much love.
But back to my point: If my uncle hadn't been telling me (as well as my other abuser at the babysitters house) that I was ruined and bad and that no one would ever love me, would I be a more confident, successful person? How much of our failures in life should be attributed to our sexual abuse, or our childhoods? Part of me feels like it's the easy excuse for the deficiencies in me. But on the other hand I do remember a brief time before the abuse, and I am a very different person because of it. Because of what they did to me.
So where is that person I would have been? Is she trapped inside of me, or was she destroyed by that monster? And to anyone reading this that has been abused, what do you think? Were YOU turned into someone else after being abused, or have you been able to remain true to yourself and find healing?
But back to my point: If my uncle hadn't been telling me (as well as my other abuser at the babysitters house) that I was ruined and bad and that no one would ever love me, would I be a more confident, successful person? How much of our failures in life should be attributed to our sexual abuse, or our childhoods? Part of me feels like it's the easy excuse for the deficiencies in me. But on the other hand I do remember a brief time before the abuse, and I am a very different person because of it. Because of what they did to me.
So where is that person I would have been? Is she trapped inside of me, or was she destroyed by that monster? And to anyone reading this that has been abused, what do you think? Were YOU turned into someone else after being abused, or have you been able to remain true to yourself and find healing?
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I guess I kept telling myself, I can stay sad because it is a process. I am only human. But the truth is, if I do nothing and just have flashbacks and keep feeling sad without doing anything to help myself feel better, I would eventually kill myself. I had a suicide attempt before my father molested me due to schizophrenic voices but I survived. I told myself there was a reason for me to be alive and even times were tough, I'd try my best to pull through it even if I laid on the bed daily and just cried.
Then my father had to jump in and start molesting me. That tore my whole world apart. I felt so dirty I wanted to die. Then something hit me. Why should I satisfy my father? He wants to see me suffer because that brings him sadistic joy. Why should I give him the pleasure of seeing me angry, sad and broken? It wasn't easy because I did feel all of that. I made one baby step at a time forward, making a commitment to myself to help myself get better. I didn't necessarily feel happy or have a smile on my face but for every step I moved forward, I told myself, I fought a good fight.
I want to know that I stuck up for myself. If I waited for someone else to stick it up for me, I think it may not happen. I wanted to answer to myself: Myself, have I let you down? It doesn't matter if my ex left me, I became mentally ill, my father molested me, I can't find any jobs etc... The most important thing is that I faced my difficulties with courage. I needed to love myself enough to pull myself from the mud and kick ass.
It may not apply to everyone but for me, I never had that courage over many years. It's just a selfish satisfaction that I want my father to be so embarassed he wished he could dig a hole and hide his head in it.
Irishleo, it is a good question: what would we have become and what would our lives had been if all that abuse never happened? take note of what u can and can't do in terms of your life like school or jobs etc and note what were goals and dreams that you wanted to achieve but never had the chance to. how can u work with what u can do right now and achieve those dreams. im working on that myself right now.
All the best dear.
I was just thinking about this yesterday. I KNOW I would have been a different person. I probably would have been a snob. LOL! Na...but I am an only child; however I grew up with an abusive mother. Perhaps I would have stood up to her sooner. Maybe I would have been stronger. Maybe I would have started dating when she said I could at age 15. God, the thought of being close to a male at that age was NOT my idea of fun. I was scared of boys and men as I felt they always posed a threat to me.
I still HOPE that person, my true self is INSIDE me. I'm just working TO GET HER OUT. I honestly don't know. At this point, I just feel like I've lived a half life. I've not loved myself. I've simply allowed THEIR evils to rule MY LIFE. THEIR EVILS overtook so much of ME, my personality, my happiness. I WANT IT BACK!
I guess what's most important is NOT looking at the "what ifs", but rather working FROM HERE. There are so many "should", "could" and "woulds" in life. We could totally dwell on them, but it doesn't help nor doe it bring happiness. I don't have the answers but I'm surely trying to make myself more of the woman I wish to be.
Take care...
Ciao...xo,
Szilvia