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another terrible memory

Posted by Irishleo , 22 December 2011 · 25 views

Again in this memory I am five years old. In the house I grew up in my bedroom was the only bedroom far away from the others. It was also right next to the only bathroom in the house. Anyway, this night in my memory I was just about to go to bed when my uncle came into the room. He smelled heavily of beer, and crouched down so that he was near my height. He made some comment about my "cool jammies", and began to rub his hand on my chest over the imprint design. I was particularly proud of these character jammies, but was absolutely terrified as his hand circled my chest and then made it's way down to the symbol on the front of my undies. I remember talking to him in what I thought sounded like a baby voice, thinking it would make him not hurt me if I sounded young. Remembering that now, I'm sure my five year old voice sounded "babyish" enough on it's own, but it was the only thing I could think of to possible save myself. Completely nonsensical I know, but what else does a child think...

Just as his fingers were beginning to rub my vagina I heard my dad's voice and saw him standing in the hallway. He was also drunk, and had been about to use the bathroom when he saw my uncle crouched on the floor in front of me. He didn't realize what was happening though and told me to go to bed. My uncle reluctantly got up and went to go back downstairs, but he chuckled in amusement. I remember the relief washing through me, thinking I was safe. Of course, it was only a matter of a few hours into my sleep before he made his way back into my room. I remember waking up and seeing him standing against the wall in the dark, and was terrified thinking he was a ghost at first before he spoke. My memory from that point just stops and is black. It feels like I'm about to remember, but I'm almost too afraid to know any more.



I so relate to this. I know there is much I do not remember on purpose. Sometimes I want to know and it feel close in revealing the memories and at the same time I don't want to know out of fear of how worse can it be from the abuse I do remember and that was bad enough. I am sorry for what was done to you by the evil Uncle.

Many blessings to you and safe :hug: if okay
I still have assortments of dreams that remind me of these things. I also started writing a book about how I met my husband and all we've been through. I've told him everything that happened to me in my past but writing it all out in detail brought back so many memories that i wish i never went through so i understand these terrible flashes because mine never went away.
Thank you both for your kind comments, they are much appreciated and help me to not feel so alone... :hug:

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