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Panic attacks

Posted by Irishleo , 18 December 2011 · 41 views

The last two days have been really tough. I've been having panic attacks every time the flashbacks start up. This Christmas is going to be the first time I have seen my abuser (the main one anyway) since I remembered everything that happened, and the stess and anxiety has been getting to me. I got so stressed out that I began having chest pains and couldn't breathe, and just felt like I was going to be sick thinking about it.

Then today as I was getting my daughter dressed after her bathtime I couldn't help but think as I looked at her small body (she's little for her age just like I was) that she's the same age now that I was when I was first raped, and she's so incredibly small and innocent. I felt like crying. How could anyone want to hurt something so small and vulnerable? Children only want to be loved, and these monsters exploit that love for their own sick desires. My own abuser went out of his way to tell me how "special and grown up" I was, making me feel so loved. What a joke. That monster hasn't got a clue what love is, nor does he care I suspect.

As an adult now I hate knowing what evil there is in the world. I want to protect my baby from it all, and make sure that what happened to me never happens to her. It seems like every time I turn on the news there is another story about a child molested or raped. Are there more of these predators in the world now or are we just more aware of them?

So tired of the flashbacks. I welcomed them at first, wanting to face the memories so I could get over them but they come so slowly and in so many pieces that I'm not healing yet, not even close. The latest one is him angrily pressing my face roughly into the bed facedown as he raped me, trying to muffle my screams. I remember him being angry at what he perceived was me trying to ruin his pleasure (as he saw it) by crying and "whining"...

Dec 18 2011 08:44 PM
I am so sorry this time of year is so difficult for you, and that you actually have to face your abuser and pretend everything is ok between you.

I am fortunate (I think) that I wouldn't recognize my abusers if I ever did see them again. They weren't family, so I don't ever have to see them again.

Your feelings when dressin your little girl resonate very strongly with me. I feel the same way every time I help my grandson get dressed or prepared for a bath. He's so small, so innocent, so heartbreakingly beautiful to me. I'd kill anyone who put him through what I experienced at his age. All we can do is protect them as much as possible, even knowledge of such evil.

I don't think there are more predators in the world, just that we hear more about things that used to be ignored - swept under the carpet and simply forgotten.

As for the flashbacks, that one I understand too. They come at such inconvenient times, and ruin otherwise pleasant events in my current life. I have a love/hate with them. On one hand I'd like to remember all of what heppened to me. On the other hand, I hate remembering a rape while kissing my husband or hugging a dear friend.

My heart goes out to you Irishleo. Here's hoping you can build some beautiful holiday memories with your little girl and that everything isn't completely ruined by having to spend time with your abuser.

Here's a big hug from me to you (if okay) :hug:
SurvivorMouse- Thank you so much for your kind response, it made me feel emotional reading it but also comforted that somebody understood and cared how I felt. I really appreciate what you wrote. :hug:

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