Then today as I was getting my daughter dressed after her bathtime I couldn't help but think as I looked at her small body (she's little for her age just like I was) that she's the same age now that I was when I was first raped, and she's so incredibly small and innocent. I felt like crying. How could anyone want to hurt something so small and vulnerable? Children only want to be loved, and these monsters exploit that love for their own sick desires. My own abuser went out of his way to tell me how "special and grown up" I was, making me feel so loved. What a joke. That monster hasn't got a clue what love is, nor does he care I suspect.
As an adult now I hate knowing what evil there is in the world. I want to protect my baby from it all, and make sure that what happened to me never happens to her. It seems like every time I turn on the news there is another story about a child molested or raped. Are there more of these predators in the world now or are we just more aware of them?
So tired of the flashbacks. I welcomed them at first, wanting to face the memories so I could get over them but they come so slowly and in so many pieces that I'm not healing yet, not even close. The latest one is him angrily pressing my face roughly into the bed facedown as he raped me, trying to muffle my screams. I remember him being angry at what he perceived was me trying to ruin his pleasure (as he saw it) by crying and "whining"...