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Sorry to the little girl I was

Posted by Irishleo , 24 November 2011 · 118 views

Lately since the flashbacks have become more detailed, I have been feeling a strange blend of extreme emotion but yet a sense of dissociation at the same time. When I think about the terrible things that he did to me as a child, my heart becomes filled with sadness thinking about the little girl, even though she was me. I want to hold her in my arms and comfort her, and raise my sword to fight the bad man that hurt her so badly and stole her innocence. He broke her trust and her heart along with her body. My adult body to this day bears damage from his abuse. I have been plagued by a lifetime of urinary and bowel problems thanks to what he did to me. And for what? I served as a receptacle for his "pleasure", I meant nothing more to him than just something he could use and throw away until he needed it again.

Did a part of me die that day in that sunlit bedroom of my childhood that first time he violated me? Or in the many, many nights that followed when he sneaked into my bedroom? I would like to say no, that my soul is too strong for him to destroy but is that just wishful thinking or the truth?

I am so sorry I failed myself. I know I was only a child and had no chance of protecting myself from him, but I wish I had fought harder. I try to tell myself that I was only five, what could I do against a determined grown man? But then I remember the pain he inflicted on me and I just want to break down.

Dec 18 2011 08:53 PM

You didn't fail yourself. You were a frightened little girl who stood no chance of fighting off a grown man. None of this is your fault!! None of it.

He failed you, and so did anyone else who was supposed to protect you from him.

Maybe you didn't die that day, but maybe you split, and the little girl is now sharing memories with you to help you understand what she went through. Don't blame her, or yourself, since she is a part of you.

You need to reassure her that you won't ever, ever let anything like that happen to her ever again. Let her know she is safe and loved.

You survived a horrible series of events. Your soul is stronger than you think. For me that is truth, not wishful thinking.

Be safe, be strong, and please, please stop blaming your 5-year-old self for not fighting harder.
Survivor, thank you for what you wrote. It resonates deeply with me, and I think your theory is right. I think I did split that day inside, and am left now with pieces of two different people within me. One, a scared little girl that never escaped that horror, and then the other side of me that is trying to carry on.

I am trying to not blame myself, but it is very hard sometimes.

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