Sick to my stomach
For the last two days I had been barraged by even more horrible flashbacks. Lately it's been about the first time he raped me. They just keep coming and it's unbearable. It doesn't matter what I'm doing or how much I try to distract myself. I keep seeing his cold eyes glaring at me as he ordered me as a child onto my hands and knees on my bed. I remember being so afraid of him that I just did as he instructed until he began sodomizing me. I remember the pain, and my hysterical screams which infuriated him. I hate him so much!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It's not fair that I have to carry this much pain in me while he feels nothing. I understand very well now why I blocked out these memories for so many years, because I'm an adult now and not a five year old girl and I can barely handle it. I am so angry and I don't know what to do. I just want to sleep for awhile and not see him in my mind. Why is my mind doing this to me?? I feel like throwing up. More and more details keep coming to me, I am dreading what other memories might resurface soon.
Anyway, sorry for whining, I just needed to vent and there is no one else for me to talk to about this.