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Sick to my stomach

Posted by Irishleo , 15 November 2011 · 129 views

It's strange how people are not always what they appear to be. If anyone looked at the man that raped me, they might think him an average person. In the small town I'm from he was a local firefighter. An honorable profession certainly. But there is no honor in that man. He simply wears the mantle and fools people like a wolf in sheep's clothing to think he's something he isn't. It scares me how many evil people there are out there in positions of trust like that.

For the last two days I had been barraged by even more horrible flashbacks. Lately it's been about the first time he raped me. They just keep coming and it's unbearable. It doesn't matter what I'm doing or how much I try to distract myself. I keep seeing his cold eyes glaring at me as he ordered me as a child onto my hands and knees on my bed. I remember being so afraid of him that I just did as he instructed until he began sodomizing me. I remember the pain, and my hysterical screams which infuriated him. I hate him so much!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It's not fair that I have to carry this much pain in me while he feels nothing. I understand very well now why I blocked out these memories for so many years, because I'm an adult now and not a five year old girl and I can barely handle it. I am so angry and I don't know what to do. I just want to sleep for awhile and not see him in my mind. Why is my mind doing this to me?? I feel like throwing up. More and more details keep coming to me, I am dreading what other memories might resurface soon.

Anyway, sorry for whining, I just needed to vent and there is no one else for me to talk to about this.

Dont apologize for venting. I just learned that is the best way to start the process of moving on. I am so thankful I found this site and know that their are other people who feel the same way I do and hopefully we will all be able to move on and me mindfully healthy. Good luck in your process, You sound like a very strong women.
Nov 15 2011 08:09 PM

I am so sorry that he did that to you and you're right just because he has a job that most people find respectful does not mean he does that or even deserves respect. Unfortunately, we live in a society that tells us not to look past a person's job title, how much money they have, skin color, gender, sex orientation, the list can go on. It's also unfortunate because people can easily put a facade that they're great people when they're far from it. But there are good people out there too. I guess I'm just trying to say yes there's a lot of jackasses and there's also decent human beings. I'm saying this because that's what helps me get by.

As for you venting you shouldn't apologize in fact it takes a lot of courage to name what happened and like Kettellt stated that helps with the healing process. Have you thought about other options like possibly talking to someone about your flashbacks...therapy, friends, family, a local rape crisis center? These are some resources that may help you out. I know some rape crisis centers can provide services like free counseling, 24 hour hotline, and etc. if that's something you're open to. If not talking then doing something to get your emotions out like you did on this blog... maybe jogging, walking, drawing, writing...anything to express yourself...one thing I learned about healing is that shoving your feelings aside or not dealing with what's going on can make your emotions bottle up and eventually explode in the most inconvenient times. In whatever you should choose I hope you take care of yourself and remember that you didn't do ANYTHING wrong...none of this was in anyway shape or form your fault.
Thank you both for your kind comments. It really does bring me comfort to know that there are nice people out there that care and can understand what I'm going through.

I will consider the rape crisis option. I had heard of that before, but since my abuse happened so long ago it didn't occur to me that it could be applicable to me.
Nov 16 2011 11:06 PM
Oh yeah I work at one as an advocate/educator and we provide services to all survivors regardless of when the assault happened and to love ones of survivors...most rape crisis centers are the same but you can still call them and ask if that's available to you in your area.

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