Lost in a sea of despair
For most of my life I have been plagued by fragments of memories of abuse from my earliest childhood years. Broken memories that left me uncertain of what was real and what was imagined. It was only just last week that those memories were proven to be just that, actual memories. Sickening disturbing memories of violation and trauma, of the worst kind. And worst of all, the main perpetrator (though not the only one) was my own uncle. So beyond just the visceral pain of knowing what happened to me as a child was done to me by someone I thought I loved, who loved me. It seems incredible to believe that for years I have blocked out the clear memory of his identity, telling myself that it was all nightmares, something my childhood mind fabricated.
I have cried every day for a week since I found out that my own uncle began raping me when I was only 5 or 6 six years old. I am not positive when the molestation ended and the actual rapes began. But these memories suddenly came flooding back to me recently and now I cannot seem to make them go away. Every night when I close my eyes I see his leering face and remember his alcohol laden breath as he hovered over me. And I remember the fear pulsing through me.
It seems so absurd that I blocked out the memories for so many years, but I realize now that I must have blocked them out in order to preserve my sanity. I wish I could block them again.I have also learned that I was not his only victim. My older sister was assaulted by him first, and then his own stepdaughter after me. Only God knows who else that monster has violated. And yet he walks free, never punished for what he's done.
All the signs have been there all along, I just refused to acknowledge them. Even as an adult I had an inexplicable fear of him, though I didn't understand why. And my father had alluded in the past of some event that had happened to me that he couldn't forgive himself for, which I now know referred to what my uncle had done to me.
I am rambling... I feel sick and filled with shame. I keep shifting from moments of numbness and sadness, to fury. I want to confront him, and tell everyone what he did, but I am afraid of losing my family. After all, after my father found out about the abuse at the time he stopped inviting my uncle over, but he still had him around for holidays. If he didn't call the police at that time or even banish the man from my life, what makes me think my father would care to defend me now? If he wouldn't protect me as a child, why would he as an adult? Only my sister would stand beside me, I have no assurance about anyone else.
I feel so alone. Part of me feels dissociated from the child I was, as if looking back at memories of a stranger being violated, not myself. The other part of me feels sadness on such a profound level that I don't know how to deal with it. I just want the secrets to end, I want it out in the open. And I want justice for all of the children that monster has abused, and to prevent him from abusing any others. I want him to know how much pain he has caused me, and the damage he's caused to my life. He wasn't the only man to violate me, but he was the first, and the most long term. I cannot move past what has happened without confronting him, but I am afraid. Not of what harm he will do to me, but of losing people I love in the process.
My heart is so heavy, I truly feel like I am lost in a sea of despair. I must do something, but I feel impotent. It's not revenge I want, but justice. I want to be normal like everyone else, but he denied me that by abusing me. I am filled with so much anger and frustration, even at people like my mother who I'm sure didn't know I was being abused. But she should have! There were so many signs, why did no one care?! Why was I left to that man's mercy, for years!!! There are no words that I can think of that truly describe the way I feel right now.