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Irishleo's Blog



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Despair

Posted by Irishleo , 10 July 2014 · 47 views

I'm in the worst depression of my life. It's like everything requires too much effort. I can't eat, I can't sleep. I've had insomnia for weeks now, and it's really making me feel like I'm walking around in a fog. Even the act of breathing seems like too much exertion. I don't want to shower, or brush my hair. I can't even make myself put on any makeup. I...


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Wash me away

Posted by Irishleo , 08 July 2014 · 52 views

I can't deal with my divorce, it's tearing me apart. I'm the only person I know of that is getting a divorce when both people are still in love with the other one. How do I let go of my soul mate and the other half of my soul? Why can't I just sacrifice what needs to be sacrificed in order to be with him? I hate myself so much for my indecisiveness and th...


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My mother still refuses to believe me

Posted by Irishleo , 15 June 2014 · 73 views

I had an unpleasant conversation with my mother today about my abuser. One of my sisters wanted to take my 7 year old daughter over to my paternal grandfather's house but I wouldn't let her (I knew my abuser would be there, as he is my uncle). This led to yet another argument between my mom, oldest sister, and I. They both refuse to believe that me and my...


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Disappointed

Posted by Irishleo , 12 May 2014 · 56 views

Yesterday I met up with one of my oldest friends. It should have been fun, but instead it was awful. All I wanted was to spend mother's day with my mother and daughter, but my friend recently had a falling out with her own mother and was alone so when she asked me if we could spend some time together on mother's day I felt like it was the right thing to d...


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Small details coming back to me... (minor trigger warning)

Posted by Irishleo , 10 March 2014 · 61 views

I was laying in bed just now trying to sleep when a random memory came back to me. At the time I was 9 years old, and the abuse had been going on for about four years already. I remembered making the decision to never go to the bathroom again. By nighttime though I wet the bed in my sleep, and I realized I couldn't hold that in forever. But I felt that I...


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How am I supposed to heal?

Posted by Irishleo , 21 January 2014 · 146 views

I just don't understand how a person is supposed to heal and move on. How am I supposed to be "normal" when at any random moment I get flashbacks of being abused and tortured? The physical, mental, and emotional abuse he inflicted on me has screwed me up in so many ways.
 
The memory haunting me today was from when I was little. As he (my uncle)...


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My latest meeting with my abuser

Posted by Irishleo , 25 December 2013 · 160 views

So... tonight was another Christmas dinner with my family, which of course included my uncle. I've decided that I'm never going to attend another family gathering again. I just can't go with him there. Tonight was worse than any other time, because now he has shifted the way he treats me, and it's freaking me out. I tried to force myself to be civil, but...


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I've remembered a new detail of the abuse- trigger warning

Posted by Irishleo , 05 December 2013 · 95 views

I've remembered another small piece of the puzzle this week. I was watching tv and an old movie came on from my childhood. As I sat watching it I suddenly had a flashback from my childhood that I'd long forgotten about. My sister and I were at the movie theater. That was an unusual occurrence on it's own, since it was very rare we got...


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What's the point... slight trigger warning

Posted by Irishleo , 01 October 2013 · 135 views

Someone asked me the other day if I had any regrets in my life. In the past my response would have been no that I didn't. But at this stage of my life, I am riddled with regrets. I have so many... I've really fucked up my life, and some mistakes you just can't fix.

I've been having such dark and hopeless thoughts lately, and I can't s...


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Most recent encounter with my abuser

Posted by Irishleo , 12 August 2013 · 88 views

I can't sleep tonight, every time I close my eyes I see him.

I saw him again a few weeks ago. There was a birthday party for my grandfather, and everyone was expected to go. When I arrived I was so relieved to see that my uncle wasn't there. I was able to relax and actually start to enjoy myself. But about an hour into the evening I saw him outs...






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