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Dreaming of freedom

02 May 2013
Posted by Irishleo  
I feel tormented, as if I will never be free of him. How do I release the little girl trapped inside of me from what he did? Am I crazy to fantasize about the adult me being able to burst into my childhood bedroom and attack him before he can hurt the child I was? Such pointless thoughts, and yet I have them often. I never imagine anyone else...
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Conflicted by flashbacks

29 April 2013
Posted by Irishleo  
The flashbacks have started again. Since I'm taking law classes, the topic of child molestation and sexual abuse comes up from time and time, and a few days ago another student got me really upset. The class had been talking about rehabilitation of sexual predators, and I said that I don't believe they can be rehabilitated. One girl in the...
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Posted by Irishleo  
The past few weeks have so difficult, and for so many reasons. I feel like everything is crashing down around me, and I'm struggling so hard to keep it all together. There is so much pressure on me to do so many things, and I have no one to help me. The sad thing is, is that I've been doing "everything right," as they say....
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My shield is so heavy

10 December 2012
Posted by Irishleo  
I've said it many times before, but I wish so badly that a day would come when I could lay down my sword and live in peace. My will to even wield the sword is fading more each day. My shield is so rusty and dented, that it no longer offers true protection. I'll never surrender, but my heart is so heavy. It makes me wonder sometime why...
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Posted by Irishleo  
So... I needed to cash a check today and hadn't opened a bank account yet since I moved back home. Someone told me stop and shop grocery store sometimes cashes checks even if you don't have an account, but once I got there a lady at the desk convinced me to open a bank account (from the bank situated inside) I didn't really want to,...
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Posted by Irishleo  
Went to the doctor today. I hadn't had a proper check up in so long and finally got a appt. However, it didn't go quite as planned. Part of the reason I was there was because I needed some kind of medicine to get my anxiety attacks under control, but as soon as we started talking I just sobbed and could barely get a word out. It was so...
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Sick today

18 September 2012
Posted by Irishleo  
Feeling so sick, it seems I've caught a bad cold. I had no choice but to skip my classes today because I just wasn't up to the hour commute. I'm a little worried about it, because now I've used up one of my excused absences for the semester (we're allowed 2), and I really need to save those for any day that my daughter might be...
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The face of evil

17 September 2012
Posted by Irishleo  
I had an anxiety attack this morning. I was trying to get my daughter ready for school when the same old flashbacks kept popping in my head. The memory of the profound physical pain he subjected my tiny body to that first time. The way he laughed mockingly as I pleaded with him to stop hurting me. The terror and fear that overwhelmed me when I was...
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Tags: haunted, raped, incest, sadness, anxiety

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Feeling like a ghost

11 September 2012
Posted by Irishleo  
I'm sick and tired of being used and discarded by the very people that are supposed to care about me. It's one thing when so called 'friends' treat me that way, but even my own family is like that. It's not right. The only time anyone shows up is when they need/want something from me. Otherwise they just live their lives and I...
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Symbolic dream

06 September 2012
Posted by Irishleo  
Last night I dreamed that my husband and I were walking on the beach in the sand beside the ocean and holding hands. We stopped into a restaurant, and sitting in the back alone at a table was a therapist. We took turns meeting with her separately. She told me that our marriage was unhealthy, but that my husband was going to be fine now that I was...
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