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Irishleo's Blog



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I wonder what it's like...

Posted by Irishleo , 15 August 2015 · 50 views

Today I saw a father with his preteen daughter. It was clear they had such a lovely relationship, bantering and playing around affectionately together. I watched them for a moment wistfully at the happiness they shared. Then he put an arm around her shoulder and they walked off, still smiling. 
 
It was beautiful to see. Sometimes I forget that...


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My own worst enemy

Posted by Irishleo , 22 July 2015 · 63 views

As always, I destroy everything around me. I never mean to, I always have the best intentions, but the end result is the same. My social anxiety has turned me into such a freak, and I always come across as odd rather than shy. There was a time when I was articulate and charming, but those days are gone. Now I am a shy and introverted shadow of my former s...


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I saw the monster today, could use some hugs

Posted by Irishleo , 22 May 2015 · 94 views

As I wrote in some of my earlier blog entries, my grandfather passed away a few months ago. We had a wake and a service for him, but because he passed away during the winter blizzard his body had been cremated and the burial delayed. We had the actual burial service this afternoon (to bury his ashes), so once again I had to be around the monster, my uncle...


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frustrated with my mother

Posted by Irishleo , 16 April 2015 · 108 views

She's still in denial. Today we were talking about my childhood and the house we used to live in. She brought up and laughed about how I'd insisted moving out of my own room and into my sister's. I stared at her for a moment, wondering why she was laughing because I've told her that I did that in an attempt to protect myself from my attacker who would com...


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Regret

Posted by Irishleo , 11 March 2015 · 60 views

I have so many regrets. Lately I've been beating myself up over the mistakes I've made... If only, if only... but what's the point? I can't change anything from the past.
 
I see the bigger picture to life now. Growing up I was always so sad, and so alone. I tried to have friends take the place of the family I didn't have, and unfortunately I usually...


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I hate him

Posted by Irishleo , 01 March 2015 · 98 views

It's strange, the moments when memories hit me. I can be in a grocery store, driving my car, watching a movie, when suddenly his face pops up in my mind. Or it can be a cruel phrase he said to me once while he abused me. Then I'm angry, or sometimes sad at his mental intrusion. Tonight I was just writing a paper for school when he popped in my head. Fucki...


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Saw him twice this week

Posted by Irishleo , 13 January 2015 · 87 views

At my grandfather's funeral this week I had to be around my abusive uncle. I was so nervous when I walked into the funeral parlor, and I spotted him almost immediately. I had so much adrenaline rushing through me it was hard to breathe. I quickly went to the other side of the room and sat down and tried to pretend he wasn't there. I managed to keep away f...


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Have to see my abuser again

Posted by Irishleo , 05 January 2015 · 112 views

My grandfather passed away today. It wasn't unexpected as he was very ill, but that doesn't make his loss hurt any less. He was a good man, and I know he's at peace in Heaven. I miss him already. 
 
This week for the funeral services I have no choice to be with my abuser. For anyone that's read my blogs before, you know my main abuser is my uncl...


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Melancholy mood

Posted by Irishleo , 17 December 2014 · 76 views

Today I've been feeling sad and reflective. I sat in my car for awhile near the edge of the forest, just watching the leaves swirl around in the wind. There was something peaceful about it that comforted me. 
 
Christmas is always a difficult time for me. It turns out though that this Christmas I probably won't have to see my uncle after all, as...


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Extremely depressed

Posted by Irishleo , 10 November 2014 · 117 views

Some people fear Hell, not realizing that they've already been there. This world is hell. Every day of my bleak existence is filled with hopelessness and misery. And rage. I have become so consumed with anger, and it's tearing me apart. I feel as though I can scarcely control my emotions. One second I'm cheerful, the next sobbing and in despair, the next...






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