Pandora's Aquarium: From: My attacker had a heart attack today...conflicted - Pandora's Aquarium

My main abuser was my brother from my earliest memories until about the age of 13. My mother doesn't know about this because it would kill her. Today she told me that my brother was in the hospital because he had a heart attack. I don't care. I feel like I should because he's my brother, but instead I was blank. I faked concern for my mother's sake, but I don't care if he lives or dies. I hate him. Basically, I feel bad because I don't feel bad. Kind of like my feelings toward my biological father. He beat and molested me as a child, although I don't really remember the sexual abuse much. I grieve because I'll never have that father daughter relationship or little sister big brother relationship, but beyond that, I hate them. I feel like I'm a horrible person for feeling this way. I either feel anger toward them or sadness and disgust with myself before I shut down completely. I feel awful because I try to be a good person who doesn't hold grudges, but I can't change toward them. I feel like I'm a monster too.

Source: My attacker had a heart attack today...conflicted