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I don't come one Pandy's very much, because, luckily I don't feel that I have a need to, but today I do. I'm actually at work right now. It's quiet, so I thought I would take a moment, away from my husband and get on here.
I had a horrible day today. I had a huge argument with my husband today. Over stupid stuff, no less, but it happened. The way it started was my fault. I just over reacted because I got called into work at the last minute as usual and it really annoyed me. I got mad at him because I was checking my phone for something and he kept thinking I was getting online to complain about the situation and basically everything spiraled. I was mad at him because he was annoying me about my phone and work (we work together).
That's not what upset me so bad though. When we argue, he becomes cruel. I don't know why, but he can be so evil. He started bringing up my past, started to make me trigger, then told me that he doesn't even believe that what happened to me really happened. I was so upset I was sitting in my bed just crying in a fetal position. I felt horrible. He made me relive everything. *Trigger coming up* Every touch, every bad feeling and memory just came rushing back. I won't say what he did or said. That doesn't even matter. I just don't understand how someone who is supposed to love me unconditionally would do something so horrendous to me.
Not only that, I don't ever want my family to find out what happened to me. It would just destroy my mother, but he uses that fact against me. Every time we argue he threatens to call my mom and tell her exactly what happened to me. I think he figures it's a way to control me. Sometimes I feel like I should just leave him and get a divorce, but do you know that song "Can't find a better man"? Those lyrics really describe me. I need him and love him, if I were to leave, I would just come right back. I guess I'm really weak. I thought that I was a strong person for surviving physical and sexual abuse. Maybe I'm not. Maybe I should just shut up when I get annoyed with him, which is frequently, and just ignore it. Maybe then our marriage would be easier.
I have tried to convince him that we should go to counseling. Me for my past and him for his anger. He grew up in an abusive home, too. I think that is why he has such a hard time with his anger. I'm not making up excuses for him. I do know what he and I both do is wrong, I just wish he would get help with me.
I don't know what to do.
I had a horrible day today. I had a huge argument with my husband today. Over stupid stuff, no less, but it happened. The way it started was my fault. I just over reacted because I got called into work at the last minute as usual and it really annoyed me. I got mad at him because I was checking my phone for something and he kept thinking I was getting online to complain about the situation and basically everything spiraled. I was mad at him because he was annoying me about my phone and work (we work together).
That's not what upset me so bad though. When we argue, he becomes cruel. I don't know why, but he can be so evil. He started bringing up my past, started to make me trigger, then told me that he doesn't even believe that what happened to me really happened. I was so upset I was sitting in my bed just crying in a fetal position. I felt horrible. He made me relive everything. *Trigger coming up* Every touch, every bad feeling and memory just came rushing back. I won't say what he did or said. That doesn't even matter. I just don't understand how someone who is supposed to love me unconditionally would do something so horrendous to me.
Not only that, I don't ever want my family to find out what happened to me. It would just destroy my mother, but he uses that fact against me. Every time we argue he threatens to call my mom and tell her exactly what happened to me. I think he figures it's a way to control me. Sometimes I feel like I should just leave him and get a divorce, but do you know that song "Can't find a better man"? Those lyrics really describe me. I need him and love him, if I were to leave, I would just come right back. I guess I'm really weak. I thought that I was a strong person for surviving physical and sexual abuse. Maybe I'm not. Maybe I should just shut up when I get annoyed with him, which is frequently, and just ignore it. Maybe then our marriage would be easier.
I have tried to convince him that we should go to counseling. Me for my past and him for his anger. He grew up in an abusive home, too. I think that is why he has such a hard time with his anger. I'm not making up excuses for him. I do know what he and I both do is wrong, I just wish he would get help with me.
I don't know what to do.
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