Who to blame?
My boyfriend says I need to forgive my little self. We had this conversation months ago about how that's something deep down that causes so many problems. I don't remember now what I felt strongly when we had that convo.
But he helps remind me. How I don't forgive my little self for being socially awkward...or anything. How I'm mad at her for being stupid or whatever.
I said, "I don't know if that was true. I don't remember my childhood." Which of course is just coping, coping, coping because why would I Look at my childhood if all I can do is hate her for being
Little things. And stuff from my early teens, too. Stuff that I did that the reaction then gripped me with self loathing or embarassment or something. But now I look back on it and just HATE her for being so "stupid".
Like, really little things. It's embarassing to say how little! When I was 13, I was at a natural food store where I knew everyone. I went to the bathroom and my hair was in a ponytail. I used water to try to control the flyaways and because I liked to make it look sleak. Then when I went back into the store someone looked at my hair and was like, "Oh, is it raining outside?!" and they really just meant that. They weren't making fun of me. But it felt so awful.
How can that be?!!!! How can something that small have hurt me so much? And how can I look back without clarity? I look back and my vision is clouded with embarassment and shame and whatever. STILL! I'm an adult and this is still how I react, still how I feel.
So my boyfriend says I need to forgive her. I get so mad at him when he says that because it feels so impossible. I am learning - and it is very very hard - to not actually show him the anger. To just tell him that it makes me feel angry and let him hold me because it really hurts; that's where the anger comes from.
I read in the Courage to Heal years ago that a survivor is often faced with this mental dilemma: it was either my fault, or the world is a bad/scary/dangerous place. I feel like I still struggle with that all the time. Because it wasn't my fault...but whose was it? My parents didn't do anything they shouldn't have - they adopted a "messed up" kid and they kept an eye on him. I have issues maybe with what they did after they found the abuse but...but...
Let's just make excuses for them, yeah? That's what the stupid Steubenville rape stuff is saying. The coverage is pitying the abuser, the rapist. So maybe that's why this is coming up. Or maybe that is why I have been paying attention to the news about it when I usually avoid stories like that.
Whose fault was it? Why does blaming my abuser feel so...unsatisfying? And why does blaming my parents feel so inadequate?