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Fuck it. I fucking hate having to be in a state of panic for hours and hours and hours. Is it because I ate wheat? Is it that I've been eating too much sugar? Not enough exercise? I have been *so good* the past week and a half and yet here I am a mess and I fucking hate it.
I want my life back, dammit. Not that I ever had it, I guess. I mean, what am I imagining when I say "back"? I've been like this for so long. I don't remember a time before the sadness. I don't remember my childhood and then I started getting sad.
And my boyfriend tries but I am so upset with him sometimes. He gets frustrated when he thinks I'm not willing to try anything. Gets frustrated when...I don't know, just gets frustrated. He thinks things change because you want them to. It's not that simple. Wanting to get better is not what I lack. It's just time. And healing. And surviving this.
And now it feels like I've lost another precious day of my life to THIS.
And my sister says "how can it be that you don't see the magic in life?! whenever we're together you help me see so much magic" and I hate that because that is how it always is. People think I'm fine. I have always been so good at functioning. I snap back so fast. Fine again. Smiling because everyone else is. Fun and smart and "me". But that doesn't mean I'm not dead inside.
I want my life back, dammit. Not that I ever had it, I guess. I mean, what am I imagining when I say "back"? I've been like this for so long. I don't remember a time before the sadness. I don't remember my childhood and then I started getting sad.
And my boyfriend tries but I am so upset with him sometimes. He gets frustrated when he thinks I'm not willing to try anything. Gets frustrated when...I don't know, just gets frustrated. He thinks things change because you want them to. It's not that simple. Wanting to get better is not what I lack. It's just time. And healing. And surviving this.
And now it feels like I've lost another precious day of my life to THIS.
And my sister says "how can it be that you don't see the magic in life?! whenever we're together you help me see so much magic" and I hate that because that is how it always is. People think I'm fine. I have always been so good at functioning. I snap back so fast. Fine again. Smiling because everyone else is. Fun and smart and "me". But that doesn't mean I'm not dead inside.
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