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Sometimes everything that my parents say to me feels like I have to keep it a secret. Or, like, if I don't tell someone about it then it is a secret - a bad thing, a dangerous thing. I don't know.
Today my mother emailed me the following:
So. Well. I don't know where to begin. I don't know how to feel about it. I guess...I feel...I mean, it is nothing bad. She isn't being manipulative or anything. It's acknowledgement, right? And that's what I want? So why does it feel so invasive when she talks about the abuse? When what I want from her is to acknowledge it and hear it and not make it about how she feels bad for making mistakes or how she never should have adopted my brother... I guess the question comes back to: what do I want from her?
Mostly? Right now? No contact. And I pretty much have that. So kudos to me. Fucking kudos to me. Three years ago I was not at the same place I am today with my parents. I couldn't tell them no very well. I felt guilt for pushing them out of my life.
On a day when it feels like I've been in the same rut for five years, it feels really good to realize that I am making progress, or boundaries, or something.
Sigh.
Today my mother emailed me the following:
Quote
I read in the paper last night a study: "In a study with women who reported experiencing stress during pregnancy researchers discovered higher levels of the stress hormone cortisol in their daughters at age 4. But not in boys. At age 14, the daughters were more likely to have problems with anxiety. maternal stress during pregnancy apparently weakened the connections between the daughter's prefontal cortex and amygdala, two brain areas that normally work together in sync to shut down negative emotions."
I was getting sicker and sicker when you were in me, reaching the end of limits with exhaustion. (I'm not negating being molested, just looking for more info to add to that)
It is terrifying what we do to our babies.
I was getting sicker and sicker when you were in me, reaching the end of limits with exhaustion. (I'm not negating being molested, just looking for more info to add to that)
It is terrifying what we do to our babies.
So. Well. I don't know where to begin. I don't know how to feel about it. I guess...I feel...I mean, it is nothing bad. She isn't being manipulative or anything. It's acknowledgement, right? And that's what I want? So why does it feel so invasive when she talks about the abuse? When what I want from her is to acknowledge it and hear it and not make it about how she feels bad for making mistakes or how she never should have adopted my brother... I guess the question comes back to: what do I want from her?
Mostly? Right now? No contact. And I pretty much have that. So kudos to me. Fucking kudos to me. Three years ago I was not at the same place I am today with my parents. I couldn't tell them no very well. I felt guilt for pushing them out of my life.
On a day when it feels like I've been in the same rut for five years, it feels really good to realize that I am making progress, or boundaries, or something.
Sigh.
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It resonates with me.
Your mum's email is all about her. It is all about her, not about you. You didn't know what you experienced in the womb. You just know what happened in your life and you are dealing with that.
If you break your leg in an accident, people offer you sympathy and are with you while you heal. Your mum is explaining to you how the accident might have happened, how the car had been damaged before you got into it. And, unsurprisingly, although it is relevant, that doesn't help you heal very much.
Thinking of you.