I am learning to value myself. I know I need to and I know that I don't.
I am trying to push myself, too. I have been told I push myself too hard, but I think I do that in an OCD way, not a must-succeed way. I don't feel like I have ever been challenged - at least not willingly - when it comes to emotional work or other topics I am truly passionate about.
Only one person I know is aware of my username on Pandy's. I have always been public, blunt, over expressive. I was going to hide nothing. If they were to hate me, there wouldn't be a question about it. I would not have to wonder. I was an outsider because I couldn't risk being rejected by the insiders. And, mostly, I made sure to keep everyone just far enough away.
It's weird that after a decade of therapy and meds and trying and trying and learning and growing that I'm saying, "I'm ready for the harder work and for the support for that this kind of work will need."
I have been AMAZING. I have kept myself so safe. I have found the safest lovers, I have picked those who would be gentle and kind and occasionally submissive. I won fights. I know how to win any emotional fight. I get to that helpless point and then, "what do you want from me? what more can I do? tell me and I'll do it" but of course they have nothing to say because they don't know what's going on either and plus I am so emotional, so overreactive that they just surrender.
That has been a blessing. It is not how I want to live the rest of my life, but it is what has brought me here today and I say those lovers were blessings, and I say my self preservation skills are blessings.
My boyfriend wants to know what line I draw between my mental health situations and my blessings, how one can result in the other but I don't think of myself as only the mental health. I don't know how to answer him. This, like many conversations, end in "I don't know. I'm trying."
Listen, listen, listen to me. I don't want to tell you about how wonderful my childhood was. I don't want to tell you cute stories to coverup what I think might have happened. And I don't want to be wishywashy when my soul speaks and I don't want to be bold when I really am not sure. I want to be honest.