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How am I lovable? What have I done that was extraordinary to the point that qualified me to be loved? I understand that few people actually do love me, but I wonder if they're crazy.
The only exception to this is my boyfriend. He's amazing, and the only person I can stand being around. But I still wonder sometimes how he can love me unconditionally like I know he does.
Right now I'm talking about the few members of my family that claim they love me. I don't see anything I've done that has warranted their love for me. I don't treat people very well, mostly to keep them right where I want them -- away.
I'm not pretty or thin, I dropped out of college, I failed at parenting and my first marriage. I don't see myself as a generally good person. How can anyone love me, and why would they want to?
The people I can think of that try to get me to believe it the most are my brother and my aunt. I've always been very close with them. They tell me they love me every time we talk. Even them I push away enough to have minimal contact via the phone. I don't know if I like them or not. I don't know if I ever have liked any of my family. Right now it definitely feels like I've never loved them. I've created such a disconnect from everyone that when I think of how I feel towards them it's just a hazy grey area.
I don't understand how "normal" family dynamic works. I don't know how my friends' families interacted without hatred and neglect of one another. I don't understand how they can love each other unconditionally for no apparent reason. Being related by blood doesn't seem like it would garauntee love, love has to be earned. Or atleast that's how I was brought up.
Then again, I have to start re-learning my way of thinking don't I? I don't know. Right now it doesn't seem like these people should love me or even want to.
I'm kind of just a vessel of failure. There's nothing else in me but that. Failure doesn't equal love.
When I was a teenager my dad found out that I was self-harming. He was persistant in trying to figure out why I was doing it and laid out so much guilt on me. He told me "I love you and you know that". I looked him dead in the eye and said "Being loved and feeling loved are two different things". I think I broke his heart a little, and I wanted to. I hated him so much, and now I understand why.
There's only one person on this planet capable of making me feel loved, and that is my boyfriend. I love him and I know he loves me. We've been together so long we know each other inside and out.
I feel so guilty though for wondering why he can love me. I absolutely believe that he does, but I wonder WHY.
Why do these people love me?