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What don't you like about yourself?

Posted by GuitarHero , 26 October 2012 · 42 views

My T asked me this last week and I wasn't able to answer her. She wanted me to use my voice so she wouldn't let me write it down. I just sat there. I don't know why it's so difficult to speak out loud. Anyway, here's what I came up with today...

Why donít you like yourself? What donít you like about yourself?

Letís start with the physicalÖ
I hate my body. Iíve gained a ton of weight over the past few years and I feel like a fat pig. But I also hated being skinny, because I got more attention from people, which Iíd rather not have. Conundrum.

I hate my stupid curly hair. Itís a pain in the ass. Iíve had it short, Iíve had it long, and Iíve had it straight. It doesnít matter; itís fucking annoying and requires way too much work. So I usually put it in a ponytail or bun, which I also hate, because my forehead is giganticÖ

I hate my face. I look in the mirror and all I see is ugly. I have my fatherís big nose, my ears stick out, and as Iíve said, I have a huge forehead, not to mention the double chin Iíve got going on these days. But ok, I do actually like my blue eyes. Go me.

I hate my skin. Though no one has ever diagnosed me, Iím pretty sure I have keratosis pilaris, which means that I produce too much keratin, which plugs up my hair follicles producing bumps on my skin. Gross. I have little bumps all over my arms and legs, which is one reason why I donít like to wear shorts or bathing suits. It also does not help with the urge to pick at my skin when anxious. It gives me something to pick at, which I go crazy with. They turn into scabs, which I then feel the need to pick off. So I go in this fucking cycle of pick, scab, pick, scab, and so onÖ Itís oh so good looking.

So I donít like when people look at me, because Iím fat, disgusting, and ugly.

Moving along to the non-physicalÖ
I panic over the stupidest things, which makes me feel ridiculous and stupid.

I always feel like people are looking at me or judging me, which is completely self-centered.

I have a tendency to correct peopleís grammar, because it bugs the shit out of me when itís used incorrectly. Makes me seem like an arrogant know-it-all.

I hate that even though I donít really care about what people think about me, I constantly worry about how people perceive me and I donít take criticism well.

I hate that I canít seem to get my intellectual self and my emotional self to agree on anything. I know one thing, but feel something completely different.

Iím sure thereís more to add to this list, but for now, Iím doneÖ

Hey hero

oh i totaly. get its realy hard to speak out loud in therapy. i no thats ho.w you see yurself but i dont think you are an.y of those.. i hope u are able to see the gud things about u soon.. i see lots xx

April 2014

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