Pandora's Aquarium: Am I ok with being "blah"? - Pandora's Aquarium

My T asked me to think about whether or not I want to change some aspect of myself or if I'm ok with feeling "blah" about things... I don't think she actually used the word "blah" but yea..


My parents are not emotional people. Neither one of them really gets excited about things. I don’t know if I’ve ever heard them say that they’re “looking forward” to anything. Maybe on a rare occasion, but I can’t actually remember it. I suppose I’m a lot like them. I don’t really get excited about things, which drives C (my bff) a bit nuts sometimes. She does get excited about events and vacations and when I don’t share her enthusiasm, she feels like I don’t want to go or I’m just going to appease her. Honestly, with most things I could just take them or leave them. If she’s excited about going somewhere, I’ll go with her, because I’m not opposed to going and if it’ll make her happy then why not, but for me I don’t care one way or the other. My preference most times is to stay home in my pjs, but unless I really do not want to go, I’ll usually go along for the ride. But that’s only with C. When it comes to just about everyone else, chances are I’m going to flake on them.

I don’t like being around people in social settings. I’d be ok with going to an amusement park or something like that with a group of people, but hanging out at someone’s house or going out for dinner or drinks…no thanks. The potential for conversation goes up in those situations. I’m not a talkative person. I don’t feel the need to share what goes on in my head or my life with people. I’ve had a different life experience than most people and as a result, conversations that most people think nothing about make me anxious. I’ve not had a lot of the same experiences that others have had, because I’ve built up walls and cut myself off from a lot of things, so I have nothing to contribute, which is awkward. I feel like the more time I spend with people, the greater the potential that they will see right through me and know that I’m not like them, that there’s something different about me, and that will lead to questions that I neither want nor know how to answer.

So, am I ok with being kind of “blah” about things or do I want to be passionate about things? Do I want to change some aspect of who I am? I’m not sure I know the answer. I would like to feel more comfortable around people, not because I necessarily want to go out more, but because there will be times when I will have to be in those situations and I’d rather not feel like I want to crawl out of my skin. It would be nice to know how it feels to be truly excited about something, but I’m not sure I’m built that way. It’d be nice to have others except that this is the way I am and not take it personally when I don’t share in their enthusiasm. So I guess the answer is yes and no?