Am I ok with being "blah"?
My parents are not emotional people. Neither one of them really gets excited about things. I donít know if Iíve ever heard them say that theyíre ďlooking forwardĒ to anything. Maybe on a rare occasion, but I canít actually remember it. I suppose Iím a lot like them. I donít really get excited about things, which drives C (my bff) a bit nuts sometimes. She does get excited about events and vacations and when I donít share her enthusiasm, she feels like I donít want to go or Iím just going to appease her. Honestly, with most things I could just take them or leave them. If sheís excited about going somewhere, Iíll go with her, because Iím not opposed to going and if itíll make her happy then why not, but for me I donít care one way or the other. My preference most times is to stay home in my pjs, but unless I really do not want to go, Iíll usually go along for the ride. But thatís only with C. When it comes to just about everyone else, chances are Iím going to flake on them.
I donít like being around people in social settings. Iíd be ok with going to an amusement park or something like that with a group of people, but hanging out at someoneís house or going out for dinner or drinksÖno thanks. The potential for conversation goes up in those situations. Iím not a talkative person. I donít feel the need to share what goes on in my head or my life with people. Iíve had a different life experience than most people and as a result, conversations that most people think nothing about make me anxious. Iíve not had a lot of the same experiences that others have had, because Iíve built up walls and cut myself off from a lot of things, so I have nothing to contribute, which is awkward. I feel like the more time I spend with people, the greater the potential that they will see right through me and know that Iím not like them, that thereís something different about me, and that will lead to questions that I neither want nor know how to answer.
So, am I ok with being kind of ďblahĒ about things or do I want to be passionate about things? Do I want to change some aspect of who I am? Iím not sure I know the answer. I would like to feel more comfortable around people, not because I necessarily want to go out more, but because there will be times when I will have to be in those situations and Iíd rather not feel like I want to crawl out of my skin. It would be nice to know how it feels to be truly excited about something, but Iím not sure Iím built that way. Itíd be nice to have others except that this is the way I am and not take it personally when I donít share in their enthusiasm. So I guess the answer is yes and no?