What have I forgotten?

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What have I forgotten?

03 October 2012

Posted by GuitarHero

I've been thinking about the idea that I may have dissociated a bit as a child... I'm confused by it and it kind of creeps me out too. I don't understand why I would remember specific "bad" things and then not remember seemingly benign things. One would think the purpose of dissociation is to block out the bad stuff. So why is it that I remember what he did to me, but I can't remember singing and dancing along while watching the Wizard of Oz a million times? I honestly do not remember that and I've been told I used to watch it often as a child. I don't understand why my entire childhood seems to be covered in a haze. And then there's the creepy part... What else am I not remembering? I only remember things happening a handful of times. Did it happen more than that? Did other things happen that I'm not remembering?

I feel like he didn't come over often without his wife. Maybe I'm wrong about that. I do remember him coming over alone a few times, but he was there to visit his mother, so I don't think I was ever alone with him for more than a few minutes, if at all. He drove a limo and I remember him offering to take me for a ride in it and my mother saying how fun that would be for me. Umm, no. Being completely alone in a limo with that man would be the polar opposite of fun. I'm glad that never happened.

I don't think I'm forgetting anything important...but what if I am? How would I even know?

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1 Comments On This Entry

I don't know why you would forget the good but remember the bad, but I want you to know my experience is similar. A lot of my childhood is pretty fuzzy, but I would say the good parts are actual even fuzzier than the really hard or traumatic parts overall. I have a few vivid flashes of both, and overall both good and bad parts are kind of fuzzy and dreamlike. I have no idea why someone's mind would work that way, instead of forgetting just the bad parts and preserving the happy memories. I think in my case it wasn't so much a matter of my mind "protecting" me so much as the stress involved making me just very detached and mentally fuzzy in a more indiscriminate way.

MaybeJoleisa, 04 October 2012 - 08:39 PM