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So what went wrong last time? I'm not comfortable talking to people. If I could, I'd ignore everything going around in my head. Unfortunately, my body has had enough internalizing and it's starting to cause physical ailments. I can't keep going the way I am. Something needs to change. So I told the new T that my former T was too gentle and didn't push me hard enough. I need to be pushed otherwise I will sit there and talk about trivial and mundane topics. I also inquired about how she felt about my writing things down, because I have a difficult time getting the words out. She said she was totally fine with that and understands what I need from her in order for this to be productive.
I told myself that these were the two things I needed to address and I went in there and did it. I feel pretty good about that, but to be honest, I'm freaked out. This is uncharted territory for me. This means she'll actually try to discuss difficult topics with me and won't be so quick to let me dance around it or change the subject. I'm worried. I'm worried that my abuse won't be 'bad enough'. That I'll look stupid for being such a damaged person as a result of something that wasn't really all that bad. I know I'm not supposed to think like that, but I can't help it...