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I managed to go through with it and meet with a T for a consultation. She seems nice enough. I'm still not sure how I feel about her, but I decided to give her a try. My last attempt at therapy was not what I'd hoped it would be. I went for 5 years and never opened up. There'd be things I wanted to talk about or at least felt I needed to discuss, but when it came right down to it, I choked. I want this time around to be different. I need this time to be different.
So what went wrong last time? I'm not comfortable talking to people. If I could, I'd ignore everything going around in my head. Unfortunately, my body has had enough internalizing and it's starting to cause physical ailments. I can't keep going the way I am. Something needs to change. So I told the new T that my former T was too gentle and didn't push me hard enough. I need to be pushed otherwise I will sit there and talk about trivial and mundane topics. I also inquired about how she felt about my writing things down, because I have a difficult time getting the words out. She said she was totally fine with that and understands what I need from her in order for this to be productive.
I told myself that these were the two things I needed to address and I went in there and did it. I feel pretty good about that, but to be honest, I'm freaked out. This is uncharted territory for me. This means she'll actually try to discuss difficult topics with me and won't be so quick to let me dance around it or change the subject. I'm worried. I'm worried that my abuse won't be 'bad enough'. That I'll look stupid for being such a damaged person as a result of something that wasn't really all that bad. I know I'm not supposed to think like that, but I can't help it...
So what went wrong last time? I'm not comfortable talking to people. If I could, I'd ignore everything going around in my head. Unfortunately, my body has had enough internalizing and it's starting to cause physical ailments. I can't keep going the way I am. Something needs to change. So I told the new T that my former T was too gentle and didn't push me hard enough. I need to be pushed otherwise I will sit there and talk about trivial and mundane topics. I also inquired about how she felt about my writing things down, because I have a difficult time getting the words out. She said she was totally fine with that and understands what I need from her in order for this to be productive.
I told myself that these were the two things I needed to address and I went in there and did it. I feel pretty good about that, but to be honest, I'm freaked out. This is uncharted territory for me. This means she'll actually try to discuss difficult topics with me and won't be so quick to let me dance around it or change the subject. I'm worried. I'm worried that my abuse won't be 'bad enough'. That I'll look stupid for being such a damaged person as a result of something that wasn't really all that bad. I know I'm not supposed to think like that, but I can't help it...
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2 Comments On This Entry
Oh, you're very brave. I totally dread starting T!! But at the same time, I just want to get it over with. I've been to marriage counseling, it was extremely hard on me but it helped barely ..but at the cost of turning me against counseling altogether. I've chosen a counselor tho that I think will have the right amount of push & compassion. I fidget really bad when I'm that nervous so I dread it for that too, its embarrassing. I end up sitting on my hands. I hope yours goes well this time:)
HeavensDaughter,
15 July 2012 - 01:04 PM
Many of us struggle with the idea of it not being as bad as it really is. the abuse I mean. We had to do that to survive. We had to turn it on ourselves so that we could have a sense of control. So that we didn't have to think the very people that we depend on could really hurt us. So we minimize it all. we tell ourselves WE have something wrong with US to feel that way. Then we turn from the trauma, stuff it, so we can keep a sense of normalcy. This is a CONSTANT struggle for me. Daily I have to tell myself its ok to honor my struggles. Little by little, it gets better. I have been in and out of therapy for many years, just finished up treatment for an eating disorder....among the many diagnoses I have had over the years...but you know what? We survivors are like dandelions....keep mowing us down, we still grow and grow.
Christine1974,
03 August 2012 - 05:29 PM
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