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In a lot of ways I'm a very sensitive person. I get upset if I've upset someone else, I don't take criticism well, I find it difficult to hear about or discuss anything to do with abused children or SA, and I don't like to see people in pain. That's part of the reason I never wanted to be a paramedic or a doctor, I can't stand seeing people suffer.
I guess this issue about connecting with people is coming to the surface now, because of my new job. I'm a crime scene investigator and I go to all types of scenes including homicides. I always thought I'd have a hard time doing this job, but the truth is, it doesn't affect me at all. I was at a scene recently where a woman had been killed and it didn't phase me in the least until there was some question as to whether or not she'd been SA'd. That seems to be the only thing that sparks some kind of emotional reaction in me. At least when it comes to people, animals are a whole other story. I can't even hear about people hurting animals, because it hurts me to think about. Anyway, I digress...
So this stuff with work has gotten me thinking about how I relate to the people in my life and that's when I realized that I don't have any sort of bond or connection with anyone and never have. I've always been a bit of an outsider, whether or not that's self-imposed, I'm not sure. I do know that I don't really feel any type of connection with other people.
Sure, I can sit here and say I love the people closest to me and I really do, but I don't share any kind of bond with them. I'd do whatever I can to protect the people I love and come to their defense or aid if they needed. But at the same time, I have no interest in what's going on in their lives. I don't feel the need to call my brother just to chat. In fact, I probably only talk to him a few times a year. I tell myself it's because we're both really busy and live in different time zones, but I honestly don't miss him or feel like I need to be involved in his life. I love my parents, even though they drive me bonkers. But again, if I don't happen to talk to them for a week or two, I'm fine with it. They usually end up calling me. I only see my family once a year, because we live on opposite sides of the US. I've got nieces who are growing up fast and I only see pictures of them on my sister-in-law's Facebook page. I have a nephew that I've not even met yet. I've got friends from high school and college that I never talk to...I couldn't care less.
When it comes to everyday things and what people are up to, I just don't care. If I don't see certain people for a while, I don't miss them. I don't feel the need to call them up and say "hey". And yet I miss my pets if I go away for 2 days... It's so confusing.
Thinking back, I've always been like this. I don't think this is some kind of recent development or a sign of depression. It's not like I don't feel anything for anyone, I do. I have a lot of empathy for people or at least I thought I did. For all intents and purposes, I appear pretty normal to everyone else, because I never let anyone know what I'm really thinking or feeling (or not, as the case may be). But I'm starting to wonder if I'm cold and uncaring on the inside.
Before I was abused, at around 8 years old, I was outgoing, afterwards I pretty much shut down. I don't have any recollection of how I felt about people at that young age, but I don't think there has ever been a person in my life with whom I've shared a real connection. Someone responded to my post and what they said is exactly how I'd describe my relationships with people... "superficial relationships with no substance."
How can I be so affected by the suffering of living people and animals and yet feel absolutely nothing as I step over the body of a person who has been murdered or committed suicide? Why do I feel no sense of longing or have any interest in what others are doing? How can I not miss my family or anyone else when I only see them once a year at most? What's wrong with me?