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Something in me broke. I'm not sure if this is normal or not, whatever 'normal' is, but my memories around that time are fuzzy. It's not that I don't remember events or places, but it's the details that elude me. I don't just mean about the abuse either, it's everything... Like the cartoons that I used to love. I remember that they existed, but I'll be damned if I can remember any of the characters or what the shows were about.
What's my point? I don't have a clear recollection of me or my life at that time, so I can't really know for sure when or how it came to be that I buried everything. I do know that I started to get really self-conscious, not just about how I looked, but about everything. I think it went beyond the normal adolescent awkwardness. Whatever self-confidence I had left, just disappeared completely.
For example, I used to be a really good soccer player, handled the ball well and could dribble past anyone. Then I got to high school... I made the varsity team as a freshman, which you'd think would have boosted my self-confidence, but it did the opposite. This is the first time that I can clearly remember feeling completely inadequate, like everyone was looking at me and judging me. Whenever anyone would pass me the ball, I'd get rid of it right away. I didn't want it, didn't want to risk losing it, didn't want to look like an idiot, I don't know... It's the first time I can remember feeling kind of panicked over something that I used to be really good at.
I've been like that ever since. I don't know if it'd be called social anxiety or not, but I constantly feel like people are looking at me, watching me, judging me, etc. I never feel good enough for any situation... I'm not pretty enough, I'm not thin enough, I'm not funny enough. Whenever I'm around people, I'm... hyper vigilant, I guess? I don't talk a lot, I kind of sit back and observe mostly and hope that no one asks me anything or brings the conversation over to me.
The only way for me to relax in social situations is to drink...a lot. Even when I'm completely wasted, I'm still not comfortable in my own skin, although the anxiety is far less when shitfaced...
I live in a city that has horrible public transportation, so I have to drive everywhere. That makes it difficult to drink, because I have to drive home. So I don't go out much. I've gotten so used to staying in that these issues seem to be getting worse as time goes on.
I want to disappear. I want to be invisible. Maybe Harry Potter will lend me his invisibility cloak?? :confused:/>