Initially, we decided just to work on kissing. I've never really enjoyed kissing him and in the past that's been one of the ways I've bonded with the guys I had relationships with. So we tried to work on that. We were able to get it to a point where I didn't dislike it, but I didn't like it either. I just haven't been feeling anything when I kiss him even though I've really been trying. I don't know what the problem is there.
About a month and a half ago, I decided things were just going too slowly so we decided to "fool around" a little bit. It was fun. Not as exciting and romantic as I'd hoped, but for the most part I enjoyed it. I only found it frustrating though because he didn't seem to be enjoying himself at all. So it felt like even if I was having fun, he wasn't, and anytime he had fun, I wasn't.
But the other day, I decided to say screw and just have sex with him. It was so awful! It hurt so much I was holding back tears the whole time. I tried thinking good things, but I just couldn't enjoy it. It wasn't until I let the "bad thoughts" get in my head that I could physically enjoy myself enough to ignore the pain while he finished. I ended up hiding in the bathroom afterwords and cried.
I just don't get it. I don't get why it hurts, but at least that's something I can go to the doctor for now that we have insurance. But I don't get why this isn't fun at all. I've had fun in the past with guys, so why can't I enjoy it with my husband?
I'm just so fed up. I'm at a point now where I don't even want sex or anything sexual at all. I just want to be left alone in that regard, but it's not like I can tell him. He's been very understanding but that's just asking way too much. I already know that if I do that, he's going to leave. So now I'm just trying to decide if I'm okay with that. A part of me really wants to be on my own, but I also like the security of having him despite all our problems. I just have absolutely no clue where to go from here :/