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Catsmile's Blog


I just want to feel normal

Posted by catsmile , 15 November 2012 · 36 views

Is that really too much to ask? One minute I want to give up on everything, and the next I want to dance. I feel like I am fighting a battle with myself. I hope I even out eventually. It is much harder to hide how I am doing when they are up and down. I can't really deal with the sad looks right now.


If you really knew me . . .(from the blog post in 2010)

Posted by catsmile , 31 July 2012 · 37 views

If you really knew me you'd see all of the pieces that I am.
If you really knew me I'd be sad, because you'd be sad, and the guilt would eat me alive.
If you really knew me you know I fight so strongly for what I believe in because in the past, I did not fight.
If you really knew me you'd see how I let the past change me from who I wanted...


changes over time

Posted by catsmile , 30 July 2012 · 30 views

When I look back over time how I have changed so much, from when I was a chils pre abuse ot when I was a child post abuse, to a teenager, young adult, and then within the relatinship wit my abusive ex and afterwards, and even now. Anymore, I seem to live in the world of in-between. In between happy, and in-between depressed. I want to live on the upsid...


people's reactions

Posted by catsmile , 29 November 2011 · 33 views

I feel awful sometimes, for how people react to things I say involving how I feel. I feel awful for them feeling awful. I feel awful because what would they say if they knew that I really don't like myself most of the time lately.
I e-mailed my story to a friend about my life and God. No details, just feelings over the years that resulted from what...



Posted by catsmile , 26 November 2011 · 25 views

So I read the topic "Family is forever" on the spirituality board. It came at just the right time.

So often I question what of my life I must share with my children as they grow older. My oldest will have to miss a part as it involves her father. So often I doubt who I am as a parent. SO often I try to be perfect. Perfect doesn't exist....


Church and the part of me afraid

Posted by catsmile , 25 November 2011 · 27 views

So I have been working on the story of what God means to me, in the hope of when I do need to share it that I can. It is completely intertwined with the story of my life, which makes it a difficult one to tell. Yet, one day I will be able to tell the story to those who need to hear it.
It is funny how people, even those at church, forget that life i...



Posted by catsmile , 30 July 2011 · 41 views

So, a friend I talk to who I knew had been abused but who had never old me any details, told me yesterday (we talk via e-mail) that her abuse was when she was 15 by a pastor. Yet, she still has strong faith in God. It is amazing how we can overcome so much. It is a shame that someone like that would even dare do something like that. So many people qu...


Less angry

Posted by catsmile , 29 July 2011 · 29 views

So I have been feeling less angry, but perhaps more sad, when thinking about what happened with my ex. It is as if aknowledging the names of what happened helps me to put it behind me somewhat. As healing is such an up and down rollercoaster, I can't say I've forgiven him yet. I am working towards that, though.

The man who teaches the sunday...



Posted by catsmile , 28 July 2011 · 16 views

Forgiveness. It is amazing how powerful one word can be, and how much it can entail. Somehow, as a teenager, I was able to forgive those who were perps in the CSA. And yet, I find it so difficult to forgive my exhusband for all of the things he did and all he took from me. I know in part that is because I decided to stay when I should have left. That...

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