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pretend... its not always a bad thing... i think

Posted by Clemsta , 05 April 2014 · 82 views

So me me and K are working things out... we broke up for a month, needed some space.
Get our heads sorted. Things aren't exactly the same but maybe it'll take some time... 
I don't want to to start therapy again... new or old therapist. 
I like pretending nothings happened to me. I like not having to talk about things, or bring up the past. I hate the night terrors, the flashbacks and ignoring the past, actually is doing me some good. I'm sleeping better, less horrific dreams.
It won't last forever as I'm going home next week.
shit always gets dragged up while I'm back. makes me cry. and all the shit happened back home... just being back home is stressful... but i miss my parents dreadfully and B
Guess what B doesn't seem to understand is, I wasn't just abused by HER but also raped, had an abusive bf and was groomed for years and years, by a man who got me to rely on him so much that i still have problems not thinking in certain ways...
I know B is hurting but I've been fucked around with more than once...so just don't want to be thinking about any of it.
Just want to try and get on with life, i don't to be sat around being all miserable and dwelling on the past.
I've done that all before...got so low that i didn't care what happened to me. so low i was cutting into my skin basically every day.
crying all the time, not going into Uni, arguing with the love of my life all the time. 
just spiraling down, till I took an over dose...
never again... still battling self harm. but its lesser and lesser over time...
I've got so much going for me now... nearly finished third year, got a place to do a post graduate (i just need to get my degree completed). me and the bf (K) are working things out... slowly but surely... which is way it should be. need my own space.
i have great amazing parents...
but my depression still gets me...its not something you can control
luckily my mood stabilizers keep me from flipping out and getting all crazy.
but mental illness isn't something that can be switched off... which is a shame.
just hoping going home won't trigger to much... just loving the peace and quiet of pretending all is good and not having to think or talk about the past.

May 2015

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