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Therapy helped uncover alot of issues regarding my upcoming doctor visit. Since scheduling the appt I have been very anxious. My subconscious was screaming at me for two days not to go to the doctor. "If you tell, you can never take it back". I found myself talking to myself trying to tell little girl me that it is ok...the secret is out and everyone knows...it is ok to tell. I felt like I was heading towards a padded room at that point sitting there argueing between the trapped 6-8 year old little girl and the adult me.
Then the panic about the appointment stopped and I had a bit of a crash. Went for a hike with my family yesterday morning and when we got back I went back to bed and didn't leave my bed the rest of the day/night. Couldn't shake the DEEP sadness feeling. This morning I realized why I was so sad. Knowing that I had persistant urinary infections and genital inflammation to a point of enduring a medical procedure to "fix" me I felt was "proof" that the abuse began when I was quite young. But I was secretly holding out hope that "maybe those problems were not related to the abuse". When the little girl spoke up (or rose up in me) with her fears of letting the secret out to the doctor, I realized there was no denying the abuse was the cause of those medical problems.
This left me sad because it makes it clear the abuse lasted from early childhood all the way through 12 to 13 years old.
:bawling:/> :(/> :cry:/> :scared:/>
Then the panic about the appointment stopped and I had a bit of a crash. Went for a hike with my family yesterday morning and when we got back I went back to bed and didn't leave my bed the rest of the day/night. Couldn't shake the DEEP sadness feeling. This morning I realized why I was so sad. Knowing that I had persistant urinary infections and genital inflammation to a point of enduring a medical procedure to "fix" me I felt was "proof" that the abuse began when I was quite young. But I was secretly holding out hope that "maybe those problems were not related to the abuse". When the little girl spoke up (or rose up in me) with her fears of letting the secret out to the doctor, I realized there was no denying the abuse was the cause of those medical problems.
This left me sad because it makes it clear the abuse lasted from early childhood all the way through 12 to 13 years old.
:bawling:/> :(/> :cry:/> :scared:/>
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1 Comments On This Entry
Reaching out to hold your hand respectfully. It is okay to feel sad you have suffered loss of your childhood. You are beginning healing and that is very hard and brings up so many emotions (I too am finding these hard to cope with). I wish you a safe recovery. There are so many people here on Pandy's to support you through this. Take care my friend. 
granny36,
13 April 2012 - 03:52 AM
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